Doubting in secret.

Its one of those times when I dont want pity
I wAnt fixing.
Ever made one of those mistakes that you dont even know if you can ever get to fix?
I dont even want to call it a mistake.
That sounds like an excuse.
i want to call it
"an-occurence-that-i'd-like-to-fix-regardless-if-i-deserve-this-chance-or-not"
Because to tell you that it was a mistake maybe to tell you that i deserve this chance
but see, i dont even care.
I just want to fix it.
I was thesame one, who just a few years ago, I did this.
Yet I am back, wondering If I can get a chance to do it again, differently.

How would fate trust me?

That this time, I'd be smarter to fix this.

Yet i say, though its harder to run while you're down,..."I'd like to fix this"

Because I've worked so hard.
Not hard enough, maybe.
But hard.

I got in from work today, and cried.
It dawned on me that I am racing against odds.
Wondering about it made me realize
I cannot continue like this.
Something has got to give, yet, I have no idea what to do.

I know I say it is well
But I see better at night.
After coming in from work, with stacks of these processed trees in my hand, Deadlines knocking on my mind...I realize just how much I need help.

Was this my mistake?
Did I take the wrong steps?
Was it something I could have controlled?

I have no clue.
I feel terribly hopeless.
How do you pray to God?
When farther beyond your point of fate,
You secretly, doubt that this mountain will move.

Why not here?

I find myself thinking about you.
Intermittently.
And though I do, I still feel like I am within myself.
No loss here, no...blind walks, nothing like that nostalgic feeling of wanting the future today wrapped up in this moment's creamy coating,...nothing...like that.
I seriously do not feel blind.
I dont feel lost.
I dont find myself muttering your name in my dream as I resurface back to real
i dont miss my steps in thoughts of you, I do not...feel madly in love.

I feel something far from it, but remotely close enough.
Ever had a fall but had a faint prelude where you'd lost your balance yet, you could'a still held on if only you had not tripped that hard?
Ever?
Never?

This isnt what it feels like to be in love.

This is what it feels like to know that it is on its way.

And I will tell you now, I am not that scared.
Something tells me that though there is a reason to be afraid, I will never be able to love that easily again.

Hence why I picked up the phone...called another man...found myself doing...things I'd never do.

Stories of a damaged heart vessel.
in a diary of a misplaced love.
They say these things dont come back.
But you can train a heart to somehow, live again.

So no.
This isnt what it is like to be in love.
I know what it is like.

I cant ever feel that. I wont ever feel that.
Knowing I'd end up back here.

Problem is, I am here.
While you, are there.
One of us, is in the wrong place.

-------------- <3

3 Men.

Never once did he tell me when, so can i ever claim that he was dishonest?
He said he'd call.
And like that, a timeless plan was issued, and if he was to call 30 years from now, it'd still be that; a plan, fufilled.
Yes, a plan it is.
Because how dare I call it a promise?
Was it ever owed? Or...
'he ever owed to me?

But see, this one here, made a date. Set a time. Told me when. All I had to do, was live till then.
Then came the time.
There went the time.
Now that, was a promise, missed.
Yes, it was owed.
He told me it.
"I'll call you tomorrow", he'd said.

And him. But see, by this time, I'd learnt that words are sometimes spoken a little too soon. Somehow, sooner than their worth can be learnt and often, we never even quite get there.
Sad, is it not?
That we may never get there.
I did believe him.
But since he was not the first.
And since he was not the second.
Something told me he may not be the last.
And for that reason, I'd better not vex.
I simply accepted it.
Pretended it never did happen.
And moved on to the next day.
Eventually, he called.

And of these, I am still waiting, for one more call.
Just so, I can pick up the call, and tell him that someone else had actually called back, sooner.

Hope exists.

It been said tht your smile opens up to another world.
Like a window, but more than that...
complere oblongated space that leads to inevitable grace
a path, dare I say
A pathway to the beyond thats better than death
Unknown, though ever somehow ever so assuring.

I'd listen to your words when words forget me
And remember where I am, who I be
Who we is.
Us.

Not too many in this pea, baby
Not too many in these parts...

Not too many who speak to me even in their smiles
In the little breaks that barely allows a sigh, you glow
And I see you're not feeling this
Not here
Within yourself costless you got your getaway
And I'd remember your words in times when I've forgotten me...

Your smile.
A gateway to this next world I have no way but to reach
I have no path but to want
To be there with you
Wherever that is that you glow from
That space that you shine through
To wish it here
Your smile.
Gives me hope
That hope itself, is attainable.

Fat free

Its been a while... and lawd gawd i feel like purging!!!
Like i been full for too long, yknow?
And i wonder if thats why when i look in'a de mirror these days i feel like my midsections growing ever so laterally!
like wtf!~
this ain even fat'f the mind! this shit extended through to ma flippin sides!
i got love handles from not handling my mind like i used to.
Like i know to.
Like i simply, should.

I use to come here, write up, spit it, digest it all till it was disolved...
clearer.
and whatever didnt get clear enough was left there, for me to remember...
to chew up the next day.
Now i feel like a mothafuckin cow...
got three damn stomachs
1.side,
2.middle,
3. anf another fuckin side like one wasnt enough!

I need to redirect myself.
back to those days
when words didnt need to stay
they didnt have time or chance
or place
in me.

they simply were made
and immediately translated to words
and spit right out.

and i was fat free...

just like this.

fat-

fuckin
free.

whew~

Forever

If character makes a man
then let me live till I am no more
and thereafter
in every heart that i once touched.

Bienvenue.

..........................
like i just wanna take a bath
drench ma head in that tub
say fuck ma shower caps
I wanna sit back and just relax and just

breathe it all in and be like
wow
i'm glad
i just feel like...
like i',m home!, you kno like i'm home
and i'm comfortable but not really cuz its
daring to be home
but that there dare is the why i'm here cuz i cant seem to live but on that edge that dares me back here
yaknow?
but,
i'm comfortable, being home.
I'm comfortable being lost and finding maself back here...
i am comfortable seeing what i could be, choosing to be this.
I am, y'know... dare i say (and &*^% whoever dont want to hear it) comfortable being your little figurine of what you cant dare to be

i just wanna take a comb n comb it through cuz
i feel like
i am home.

My Oxtail song

Oh Ox-tail!
How i love thee!

And i love the fact that no one else can make you good enough for meeeee!
I like how you dont battle with your bones, too fuckin grown, just easily let it go!
An ode to oxtail!

And to the God that made this meal for me.

Love n Bees

I beg you, please! do not love me. Your 143s make me nervous because I know your sugar aint free, pleaseeee do not love me. This sticky type love that snuffs me, denies me of space this type that attempts to demote me to a suckle-stance this love that you so demand that i must appreciate, that i must accept, that i must want, this passive-aggressive type love that is governed by laws that i know is glorified hatred, this gangsta “you either with me or you with them so you better be pickin a side” type love this strictly conditional depends on the day, the time, the way, the how, the fucking weather, or maybe even the color of font you got tonite type love that requests that i be dumb type love, love that wants me to succumb to wreck...this sugar-sweet though i'm diabetic type love that you insist is my realest love, who gave you the damn right to tell me what love i will or will not ever know? Since when did God die, since when did you board that throne? I sure as heavens didn’t get that memo!
This "oh you off to the mall?, but wait... we should go together" - type love! the type that suggests we rock matching color-gears -type love THIS shit type love that attemps to suffocate what makes me, that attempts to block all light rays away from me this type love this "i thought i almost saw the rainbow there for a minute till you arrived at ma door for the hundrendth mothafucking time"-type love! LOVE... that places my wallet on a pedestal, praises my ignorance and blesses my pride, this love! Love? is it? oh, i know it... this "love" that requires that hands MUST be locked once the doors ajar, eyes MUST stay locked since we being watched type love love that demands rehearsals looking like two pathetic losers love like sugar type love.... i know this love, i felt this love, i once thought i had no other choice but this love... couldnt reveal the true cards to the world... Never believe what you hear till you see it, never believe what you see till you're it. Couldnt get no one to see it then but i'm good now, shame wouldnt let me tell the truth of this ...love, you call it? yeah...The love that admires my blindness, belittles me till i am hardly worth more than a damn material! I'll tell you now, i aint ma hair! Do you not ever wonder what it took to achieve this? Really,... do you?
I sometimes wonder…why, why, why oh why? i mean...why is it, so hard to catch a bee when we brewed from the same tree? Gimme honey, anyday. Your sugar is artificial. Gimme honey made by the busiest bees! Bzzzzz.... nice to meet you. Honey annointed by their buzzes lust after by men GIVE ME IT! Blind men seek it, but never will they find cuz you cant catch a comb till you open your eyes! gimme that honey that purifies even the dullest minds gimme that! that shit that strengthens your neck, erects your musles, keep your head standing tall, make you resonate the king in you. Gimme honey of eden, honey in the most brilliant words give me please! Bee sting till i cant be healed, let me ingest its every drop! Honey today honey the next honey to soothe ma greatest thirst… honey of ma lands honey of the milkiest trees off the coasts of Trinidad. Mix it in ma cocoa in the morn and ma cocoa in the eve, serve me till the combs run dry...Cest moi, Mademoiselle Hibiscus,...hold it to the tip'f ma tongue, hold me in the highest height of climax. gimme that juice till i cant wait to cum! gimme honey allday, everyday...as far as i'm concerned, your sugar is artificial.

Happiness

Happiness... if only you knew.
Frowning, wondering when the bills will be paid; Bitching cursing in his name; Angry fucking up dem lungs... bitch is you out your mind?
If you ain happy with a good dick owned by a great mind and a big ol' pride to boot, what de ass will you ever be happy with?
I done seen lots'a losers. Who cry really for nothing. And when you ask them what the issue is, they simply cant speak. They do not know what troubles them, but they know they shed tears.
How do i console you when i know you're just being an idiot.
Negro, dont you know they've got billions of ppl who couldnt feed themselves last night? Half of them couldnt lay next to their love unless they okay with packing a mat to take down a sea because out of poiverty, men women and kids who they once called family lay in tha bottom of the sea. that shit we call seas are full of graves... you dont know shit, yet you cry.
Down by those same seas fishers fish but shit they not even well enough to know that they fishing the same fishes who once had feasts off'a dead bodies or they simply dont give a fuck because serious-the-fuckin-ly, would you care if your child needed the dime to heal? and i say "dime" because relly thats all they'd make.
what you say, Negro? You dont have no car?
Oh i'm sorry. how de ass you gon get to work na?
no car, no work.
some people would never dream of a moving vehicle. All they wish for was one that dont ever have to move but to sit there so they'd at least have a roof.
you ignorant ninny! getcho ass up! wipe away dem damn tears you think i wanna hear you yowl?
My pomeranian sweats baby, but i'd never know when.Just cause shes got furs dont mean she dont sweat.
I've got issues too but this aint about issues...
this is about happiness. This is about content. This is about appreciating the better things in your life.
Happiness dont depend on your circumstances. But your outlook. So look tha fuck out dem goggles you got! You egocentric mooncalf, life aint all about you. Some ppl got it worse, and they still living! They ain thinkin bout killing themselves! and by the way; do you know what happens if you jumped a bridge?
you might be lucky enough to actually die from it. If you do, shit, ppl will mourn. Then, they'll get over you and go on with life like you never existed. Yes, another woman will fuck your dick and he'll love it, another man will screw your pussy and she'll groan him. Another man will father your child, another woman will mother your baby. You'll be gone and i hate to remind you this but life will still go on!
AND you might be unlucky enough to survive the fall but i know you wont survive it intact. You might end up being brain dead and living the rest of your life as a carrot- a celery- a mere vegetable, living off of life support but unable to communicate with your world. Is that what you want? Cuz if it is, then go right ahead, heck you'll help provide more jobs for nurses, doctors, neurologists and a few crime-scene investigators... and since you couldnt appreciate your life, they might be able to appreciate it for you. they'll get paid, you on the other hand,... well...
But happiness aint about fears! its about making the choice!
Did you get out of bed this morning? Did you take a blanket off your body? Did you see your partner, your child, did you pick the phone up? Did you see your walls still standing and were you able to pee when you got to the washroom? The laundry thats got to be done, will you have the water to do them? did you go to work?

and you, reading this, did you need a reader or translator?
we've got so much tobe happy for.
Happiness runs in a circular motion.

Why do you write?

i dont think i can ever stop writing. its the only thing i have going for me. its the most effective therapy i've got. And the only part of me that never changes. It remains consistent. I write to remember. I write to empower myself. I write, because it reveals myself, to me even in times when i feel like i dont know who i am. I write, because i am.
I write to free the soul that lives within.
i write for my freedom...

and if ever i stop, pls wake me up. Because such slumber can kill.

Subjective reasoning for life!

I must say, i have been through quite a lot.
i mean; a lot!
but then i'm sure so has everyone.
we tread through sticky muds
lots of quicksands,over hills and have multiple stumbles to reach greener pastures.
but as we stumble, we find that hills arent hills, but merely stepping stones...





One flew over the cookoo's nest and apparently,
right over yours too.
somehow, you managed yet again to miss the breadcrumbs
and i dont have the luxury of time, patience, nor energy
to translate anything to you.

i'd say you're slow.
but this ain about intelligence.
this is about you, being you.
i mean,
it must have been real hard even for you, to manipulate twisted meanings out such simple lyrics.
somehow, you managed to exert that out of this???
you needed some wind under your wings did ya?
no qualms... i understand your need.
desperate for actuals, you some-funky-how, squeezed hopefuls out of breeze.
desperation is a bitch.

but honestly, i am glad.
if this is what'll evoke thoughts that'll motivate change,
let it be that...
because i know how much that is needed.

every movie needs a hero
but ain no hero without a villain
its your story,
you may be the hero.
again, i understand.

almost like a necessity,
you need a stepping stone.
sure! let ma words be it.
pluck littile memory leaves to remind you of just how deeply you were touched.

if it'll influence positive changes,
see what you see, as you see it
because i doubt i care what you think of me
you may however
marinate your mind in your ignorance
assimilate every ounce of it
reflect till you're motivated!
if it helps, hey!
again, i understand
that life ain worth none,without objective forces
and overcoming those, is what we live for.
you need a reason to go on.

i know ignorance is bliss...
but it gives faux visions.
just all illusions.
when will you ever be true to yourself?

if you cant see it now,
Denial, will you ever?

you once motivated me.
i'm glad to return the favor.
you're welcome.
sure, you may thank me later.


(OH MA GOD! i think this is my first "praya for a heiffer post" that i wouldnt swear in! i'm soooooo gettin better! yayyyyy)

My closure with a heiffer called "Denial"

Praya for the heiffer tuesday came a day early this week, enjoy:

Denial,
You must be allergic to the truth
Because even she couldnt get you to see it
and even if you saw it
you found it necessary
that you must open ur mouth
or is it ur hands?
or maybe even ur thighs...
and spill whatever garbage you seemed fit enough to
make me sound or look wrong in hopes that that
will make you look right
or is it,..
feel better
Do you feel better now?

but just like a feeling is a feeling is a feeling,
what is wrong is also, what is wrong is wrong is wrong

and boy oh boy,
were you ever wrong!
and as blind as a stray dog,
neither could you find your way to the right path

i know you're allergic to the truth
but i hope this here, "truth" is hypoallergenic enough for you

get you some epinephrine babygurl
because you about to get a full dose of the allegen...

you were wrong and even your shadow would tell you it
wrong enough that you felt the need to act wronged,
play the victim, hopin ur audience would eat that shit up,gulp dat potion, get all empathetic, believe your acts, and maybe,... get u sum brownie points for havin been thru it
Wrong enough that you felt it necessary to divert attention from the point of the issues... plain and simply that you were wrong
Wrong enough that you decided to take a stance in a spot where you really didnt belong. (now for the record, your point of view dont matter, but i guess i thought you were true enough to be at least honest... i realise now, than you cant expect honesty from an imposter. so i must ask myself what i really was thinkin).
Would you dare share with the audience what the truth is? Tell them what the story is? Can you bear their responses?
i'd dare you to share but then, whats a dare to a pussy but a total waste of time?
cuz i sho as hell ain lookin forward to watchin a pussy ejaculate pure lies!

You ignorant coward
how could you?
i guess thats "how" you "could"
must'a been easy for you since a coward ain got no spine.
You're one'a dem spineless excuses for humanbeings i've heard so much about!
You ridiculous waste of motherfuckin matter,
you ought to be ashamed of yourself!

you were wrong
and oh how i regret
that my liver just wasnt good enough to make ma right arm do it
smack u right across yo face till i felt we were even
that ma voice failed me
told you the honest truth about you till it made you bleed
that i wasnt assertive enough to tell you to...
Get the fuk out and simply, go screw yourself
for takin for granted
what i'd hardly give
you ungrateful insensitive selfish bitch!


because truly, who can fukin judge me?
you?
or maybe...
your incredibly superficial posse?
lmao!


If i had continued to smile
pretended that i was not bothered
acted like a true airhead like the resta dem and sucked all ur shit up,
you would have been happier.
BUT I AIN ur shadow
I SPEAK TRUTHS regardless!
if you'd like to commit suicide over it,
(then may i suggest using a gun and shooting ur leg first?
i hear its quite easier to die from massive blood loss :)
kill urself all u want, Denial
because this fountain will never stop spillin
what it knows to be true
and that simply is that; you were wrong
and you still are wrong
so surround urself with all the lies you can
cushion urself up in those imaginary clouds
and sip on that fake colada
for as long as you fail to see the truth
all you do and see will be just that;
fake as fuk

Your "friendship" is easy to maintain
all i'd have to do is just
be like the rest of them and simply,
shut the fuk up and pretended it was "kool"
but i am sorry because unlike the rest of them,
i ain no zombie.


So let this be the closure, Denial
this here, is my last letter to you after which,
you are forgiven
only because i know forgiveness is the only way to freedom
from boundages of regrets and wrongs
because i'd like to move on, Denial... So...!
fake up whatever u wanna shit up
shit up whatever you wanna fake up
nauseate urself till you get emetic all you want!
and spit with that your tattle taling tongue,
whatever fecal matter you damn well please
because ...
i have concluded the story of you
your chapter is now closed and...
the truth remains yet still, that...

YOU

WERE

WRONG

(period!)


In less than but a lil while of knowing you,
i learnt a whole lot of lessons
and hope that i can put them
into use later
for these lessons, i MUST say
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and fuk u to everlasting
with ma hard gijangic humongous imaginary dick ;)

Ma first love

Sometimes i really cant help the memories
comes knockin on ma mind, seepin thru the cracks i sealed
all those things i really want hidden
those bugs in ma bed
the
tugs in ma shirts
all tha
rubs on ma breasts
even before they ever were

Who made this life so?
fuck lard i dnt even know where to start


I wanted to tell
I'da loved to tell you

so maybe you could'a clarified for me
told me it wasnt sane
told me it wasnt right
told me i had done right

I held it in
really didnt know what else to do

You were there when you were there which in ma tiny eyes really wasnt but a short while so when u were there i wanted the moments where we could play so i could store in ma head for those times that you werent there...
You were there though you were not there like you were only there to lay your head and like all other fools out there you were there to make it seem like you were there but really, you really were truly nowhere to be found

I wanted to tell you and ask you if i was still a virgin in your eyes
Or if this meant i was as dirty as i felt
i was wanting from you or any godam person out there what it was that i felt and what it was that i could do to cure ma nightmare but...
you wasnt there

did this mean i was more special to *** i mean did we have anymore connections? did we? did we? was this ma first love? tell me...

ma best friend wasnt there
we had about 9 years invested in this tight frienship but yet you wasnt there

and i am sorry that you wanst there

for as you wasnt someone else taught me what love was
taught me what fear was in love and that fear was love and as fearful as a little person can be i was that much in love but this love was unforgiveable unspeakable unattainable uncurable it was forbiden never been heard of love that really should never have come that type love like.... love was wrong love
i whould never have loved like i did
and that love should bnever had been
and that love should never repeat
but i know it happens and i still live it
and even in ma freams i
never thought it'd be real and
days and days and years and uncountable moments i was so sure this wasnt real i mean...

hadtabe a dream

tomorrow i might wake up knowing it was a dream but dreams dont hurt...
and i am hurt
not because the ohysical pain, no there wasnt no painful thrusts
and the rubs were not painful enough for me to trust
this hurt isnt from painful fists or tugs at ma skin
this hurt streams from years of confuion
years of uncertainty
years of durt that never washes away in the tub
years of years of feelin insecured
even before i knew what insecurity was
years of not knowing
what this meant
and after those years,
years of knowing what it meant
and more hurts yet still
nurtin from knowin it came from ***
burting from knowing *** thinks i forgot
and hurting from wonderin if its been redone
i mean i done grownup
but victims live in abundance
did u find a new love?
i still hurt everytime i fantasize
u remain in ma fantasies though i hate to see u there
i want to be freed
it hurts to remain impreisoned
u gave me a life sentence
took from me what u didnt own


i kno this love was unreal
because i never seen this love replayed i
never seen be the norm how
can u explain to me this dream i lived
how could i love like this?

"Jdfgst rh ajd"


i know that now
but u didnt teach me it

i really wish u were there

please tell me you were sorry
so i can see if i can forgive
and hopefully too,
forgive ma ***

Screwdriver (does anyone know this artist's name?)

"...A word mixer, makes a helluva screwdriver, so i can unscrew ur mind like intercourse in reverse... ma thoughts hit hard like nipples on freezing cold folks...les president, a fool..."

Duality Duel by Daniel Beaty

this man is ...
is...
i mean,.. he is jes..
i love his words!

What Spoken words mean to me

the power u hold
for a moment, u control their mind
you reel them into ur scene,
subject them to ur pain
enforce ur feelings into their brains
and make them empathize
step right in
make the shoes fit
make them feel it

make them feel u

Spoken words means...
to me...
the power to get them to listen
the ability to make them wonder
till they undertsand
not necessarily what u have just recited
but what it means to them,
intheirhead

spoken words mean to me
positivity in lyrics
negativity in words
it dont even matter what u spit
sometimes the rythm is just enough
to make u feel me


spoken words to me
is my escape
when i feel
i think
when i think
i write
when i write
i recite
and when u hear me
u feel it
u feel me
u feel what i feel
even sex cant compare
to the ejaculation i get
when i recite ma words
in those words,
i make love to maself
all over
and over
and over
again
if ma man knew a thing about me
he'd speak words to me
and never ever would he need
the likes of KY jelly
for inside of these words i type
is the very hormone i need
to make me weter than a thousand seas

Anger, an evidence that we are slaves to yesterday

"Black people are tempramental"


do you wonder why?
a black female slave has a baby,
a lil black nigger
as cute as a toad
with a flat wide nose
forsaken for the melanin
in his skin
not compared to chocolate
but treated as mud
this he-mud-nigger
grows to know
he cant exactly play with miss Lauren
cuz Lauren looks like snow
and although he is twice her age
he MUST call her "m'am", and do as she says
and when he asked why
he was tol'd
"because u only a nucca"

so this man grows
to feel low as low
to work twice as hard
and earn only enough
to feed...to remian alive
just enough strength
to slave off the next day
this black man grows
to wonder why
if God had a choice
why he picked Him to be a nigga
why couldnt he have a life of assurance
a life that is destined for fufilling promises
a life that is precious and preserved
a life where he wouldnt have to fight
and strugle
and stumble
every single motha fokin day!

a life where he could be white
and look just like snow
with brunette soft curls
and maybe even golden straight hair
with the thinnest pink lips
a perfect pair of blue eyes
and the sharpest pointy nose
why he oculdnt be a white man
and own slaves
so he could be waited on
hand and foot
and he could sell other frogy niggaz
and make him some profit.

"Why are we so temperamental?"
because we are angry
and anger itself, has become our culture
because when that black female nigger
told her froggy fat-lipped son
that he couldnt play with white kids
she hated herself for it
she felt guilt
knowing that she brought into this world
yet, another black man
to serve in the fields
or maybe if lucky,
serve in the home
of yet!
another white man.

anger has become our culture.
it is now "black" to speak up
because we have had to learn
and adjust
to the life that was bestowed upon us
so that anger
becomes the lesson that is taught
by the forefathers
to the young
and now its managed
to merge itself into us!
incorporate its genetic codes
into our DNA!
so that now
we are the generation
of the black people
who are no more slaves to the white man
in most ways, we have managed to strip him
of his power
we now have freedom from the white monster
but we remain slaves nonetheless,
slaves! REGARDLESS! motha fuckin slavessss still!
to our own past.
to our history.
to years ago.
and yesterday.
and i too, portray this as i ask you
"what were we; my people... before slavery?"




Dedicated to Malcolm Little (X) (May 19, 1925- Feb. 21, 1965),
RIP mista... you remain ma hero

I cry

Today deserves its own post.
Eventful, confusing, silly, joyful,yet so dam fucked up!


Ok, so yes, i've always known how you felt about me... never really had problems with it ( <--- just lied )... but i'm seriously and honestly just tired of hearing it!
What is it that you're going throgh? I'd like to know what you are fuckin thinkin!
What is it that makes you say the things you say; act the way you do, to me?!



Have i ever needed from you before? Okay, maybe i have...
Do you think i ever will need from you again?


When you are gone, i will be there to read a well written letter.. about how much you loved me, and how much i loved you in return.
I will not portray my feelings of you on this day, on that day. I just simply cant! For the sake of respect for the departed, i wont!

Do you know that i love you more than most?
Did you ever know that?
Did that ever matter?
No seriously! DID YOU EVER GIVE A SHIT!???



Back to the memories of your thoughts of me.
Incapability and Mistrusts fills the dreams.
When i am where you never thought i'd be, do you not stand tall and hail me?


I dont need the notes. Dont need the meals. Dont need the dried homely powders thats meant to remind me of the better times, sink ma head in the memories of the better days as you beat ma back with shame! I DONT NEED THIS SHIT like i needed your fate!

Do you know what i am going through? no, do you understand?
WHen i call you to let you know its been received, will you be able to imagine my cries?


You have many more.
I am only one.

Please believe i am not blaming you.
You can only give what you have.
What you didnt have, you could not have given me.
But on the other hand, i must cry.
I have to. Its all i know to deal... to deal.

I cry for your ignorance.
For the fact that you do not see what you do
For the fact that you do not know what is important
For the fact that you never falter in your demeaning ways
Cnsistently though sporadically, i can always count on the fact that you will never believe

I cry because it hurts
It hurts too much for me to explain
But pain is a teacher
Teaches me that this isnt the worst
It gets much more painful

When u hurt, u must treat the cause,
You have caused me too much pain
I cant afford you.

I'll have none with you
But i'll see you at the finish line


***written 12/17/06***