Why not here?

I find myself thinking about you.
Intermittently.
And though I do, I still feel like I am within myself.
No loss here, no...blind walks, nothing like that nostalgic feeling of wanting the future today wrapped up in this moment's creamy coating,...nothing...like that.
I seriously do not feel blind.
I dont feel lost.
I dont find myself muttering your name in my dream as I resurface back to real
i dont miss my steps in thoughts of you, I do not...feel madly in love.

I feel something far from it, but remotely close enough.
Ever had a fall but had a faint prelude where you'd lost your balance yet, you could'a still held on if only you had not tripped that hard?
Ever?
Never?

This isnt what it feels like to be in love.

This is what it feels like to know that it is on its way.

And I will tell you now, I am not that scared.
Something tells me that though there is a reason to be afraid, I will never be able to love that easily again.

Hence why I picked up the phone...called another man...found myself doing...things I'd never do.

Stories of a damaged heart vessel.
in a diary of a misplaced love.
They say these things dont come back.
But you can train a heart to somehow, live again.

So no.
This isnt what it is like to be in love.
I know what it is like.

I cant ever feel that. I wont ever feel that.
Knowing I'd end up back here.

Problem is, I am here.
While you, are there.
One of us, is in the wrong place.

-------------- <3

3 Men.

Never once did he tell me when, so can i ever claim that he was dishonest?
He said he'd call.
And like that, a timeless plan was issued, and if he was to call 30 years from now, it'd still be that; a plan, fufilled.
Yes, a plan it is.
Because how dare I call it a promise?
Was it ever owed? Or...
'he ever owed to me?

But see, this one here, made a date. Set a time. Told me when. All I had to do, was live till then.
Then came the time.
There went the time.
Now that, was a promise, missed.
Yes, it was owed.
He told me it.
"I'll call you tomorrow", he'd said.

And him. But see, by this time, I'd learnt that words are sometimes spoken a little too soon. Somehow, sooner than their worth can be learnt and often, we never even quite get there.
Sad, is it not?
That we may never get there.
I did believe him.
But since he was not the first.
And since he was not the second.
Something told me he may not be the last.
And for that reason, I'd better not vex.
I simply accepted it.
Pretended it never did happen.
And moved on to the next day.
Eventually, he called.

And of these, I am still waiting, for one more call.
Just so, I can pick up the call, and tell him that someone else had actually called back, sooner.

Two days ago, I turned 26.

And as my 25th year had brought me just about the worst trials,
It just may've been my year of blessings...
these things, supposedly dont come in pretty packages
And this one, surely didnt.

I was out of school
I felt like a failure
I was in love
Unrequited, at that.
I had to let go
He had.
She, had not.
He didnt.
I was back and forth
With a man who just would not, let me go
But triangles arent circles
And all its three corners just did not work
Too tight... too this...too that...we just didnt work
I restarted school. Or was it that school restarted me?
Not exactly sure.
But am here now... and loving what life has forgiven me...in my 25th year.

And this circle
is approximating
closing in on me
and somehow, i feel some warmth
and i realize that dreaming
even to oneself
is valid.
And all dreams,
even in the funniest ways,
become reality.
And that prayers
are in thoughts
and in words
and in wishes
and much more so,
in dreams.
And i thank God
for the new additions
the old subractions
and the stagnant loves...
and that he/she/it did not wait
for me to utter words
but simply did
give me the best gift for my 26th year...

Now, I am 26.
And that much wiser.
And that much calmer.
And that much... more... understanding.
That everything, passes.
And love, forgives.
And love, forgives.
And people... please understand...that love, forgives.
And it forgives.
And i have forgiven.
And she has forgiven.
And i have been forgiven.
And this resilient thing
that prompts me to love again
somehow finds ways to wake me up
just in time
to realize
that the best gift ever,
was at the times I had been low
Aint nothing sweeter
than to see the hill from the valley.
I see it.
I do... "feel" it.
Well enough to want to try...
Well enough to want to climb...


Well enough to start over...now.

Thank you Lord.
Thank you, ever so much.
Ever, ever so much.
I am blessed.

As I mourn.

There is a prelude to this,
and a prelude to that phase too
and I'm wondering where I am this time
If not somewhere I'd already been.

I dont get it. It doesnt make sense to me. Love ISNT till its reciprocated... aint no one way to it, unless it isnt.
I dont get it.

Here, bleeding tears, wondering just how much longer I'll mourn.
Hell, count it down to the seconds, time me! and I have cried longer than I was with you. If I ever was...

LongeR!
and damn I say it, deeper, than you've loved me.

And that is the part that hurts, that at this moment, you sleep.
You mothafucker.
You. Sleep.

You fucking sleep.

And I mourn.

I curse the day I met you. I wish I hadnt.

I wish...
You were what I wanted you to be. As much as I know, you cant ever be, I fucking want it!

Yet, shes there, sleeping... and am here wondering... when really, it doesnt matter,does it?

You are obviously,
in love.

Remind me

I havent been posting, because theres been so many changes in my life recently...and so many of it, am not happy with and so many of it, I'd rather not remember...

But then I went back to my old posts and remembered just how much I like to write, so I thought why not write again...

I just got in from work...its my first job in 3months and my first day of work.
I had a good time.

What else do I write?... lol
I think that is about it...I have an exam on Monday that I have NOT studied for...and today is Sunday lol... Old habits are hard to break...

Anyway,
peace, love and oreocookies.

My Caribana week just ended :(

Now what am i going to do witht he rest of my summer?

Last thursday, i went to ing and Queens - didnt even stay to find out who won
Friday, went to j'ouvert- the official best party of my summer- water everywhere and then some! why was it still going on when we were leaving at 6am?! was so tired on our way home that me and ma girl had to park at a gas stationt o have a snooze which ended up taking us 2 hours! then i realised i had to run to mas camp to get ma costume!
Saturday- played mas with Toronto Revellers- Debbie Minott's section called Ipadaboologbon aka "The return of the wisdom keepers"
Saturday night- went to Carnival-in-yuh-backyard where some heiffer thiefed ma phone!!!
Sunday- slept, slept, slept. tried to get tickets to Firefete but it was sold out :( ... went to get a new phone instead.

then went to hamilton's carnival yesterday.


THe best caribana ever!

now, whats good for the rest of the summer?

Dont believe a word she sings

Dont let she lie to you
It aint always so good
but i know i couldnt have known better
because i simply, did not know better

Just as she wasnt yours
dont mean your very best friend would be the one
she cant save you, and neither can you, her
And i know i couldnt have known better
same way you cant possibly know better

Divine thinks its time
and you'd think its yours to hold
listening to her serenade you to dream
but her words aint yours
and her stories aint for you
Like Erykah's wasnt mine
and a microphone isnt like he was
yet i claimed he was it
the "love of my life"
shortsighted at 22, how much farther can you really see ?
got pumped, grooved and jammed to "our" song
held faith like it was visible
drank love so hard till i could see it
and he, believed...
but faith dont make real, real does.

So though her voice is groovy and i cant help but jam to the song
I wonder who else is getting fooled at 22

she aint talking about you
it aint always so easy
I am sorry but songs just simply, dont make love.

And i can tell you for sure
that at 25, still the same life just 3 years down that road,
I am still looking for that "love of my life".
And still trying to get him to see
that bestfriends dont always make the best love
and that there is no worse way to keep enslaved
than to surrender all, to let history dictate your current days.