Sleepless in bed.

I have been awake since 4:10 pm yesterday. It is now 1130pm. It is almost another day and my eyes are swollen. My thoughts are racing and my head hurts. Yet everytime I lay to sleep, I am consumed by this fabricated illusion of you inside of me. Please! say it aint so.

Why not here?

I find myself thinking about you.
Intermittently.
And though I do, I still feel like I am within myself.
No loss here, no...blind walks, nothing like that nostalgic feeling of wanting the future today wrapped up in this moment's creamy coating,...nothing...like that.
I seriously do not feel blind.
I dont feel lost.
I dont find myself muttering your name in my dream as I resurface back to real
i dont miss my steps in thoughts of you, I do not...feel madly in love.

I feel something far from it, but remotely close enough.
Ever had a fall but had a faint prelude where you'd lost your balance yet, you could'a still held on if only you had not tripped that hard?
Ever?
Never?

This isnt what it feels like to be in love.

This is what it feels like to know that it is on its way.

And I will tell you now, I am not that scared.
Something tells me that though there is a reason to be afraid, I will never be able to love that easily again.

Hence why I picked up the phone...called another man...found myself doing...things I'd never do.

Stories of a damaged heart vessel.
in a diary of a misplaced love.
They say these things dont come back.
But you can train a heart to somehow, live again.

So no.
This isnt what it is like to be in love.
I know what it is like.

I cant ever feel that. I wont ever feel that.
Knowing I'd end up back here.

Problem is, I am here.
While you, are there.
One of us, is in the wrong place.

-------------- <3

3 Men.

Never once did he tell me when, so can i ever claim that he was dishonest?
He said he'd call.
And like that, a timeless plan was issued, and if he was to call 30 years from now, it'd still be that; a plan, fufilled.
Yes, a plan it is.
Because how dare I call it a promise?
Was it ever owed? Or...
'he ever owed to me?

But see, this one here, made a date. Set a time. Told me when. All I had to do, was live till then.
Then came the time.
There went the time.
Now that, was a promise, missed.
Yes, it was owed.
He told me it.
"I'll call you tomorrow", he'd said.

And him. But see, by this time, I'd learnt that words are sometimes spoken a little too soon. Somehow, sooner than their worth can be learnt and often, we never even quite get there.
Sad, is it not?
That we may never get there.
I did believe him.
But since he was not the first.
And since he was not the second.
Something told me he may not be the last.
And for that reason, I'd better not vex.
I simply accepted it.
Pretended it never did happen.
And moved on to the next day.
Eventually, he called.

And of these, I am still waiting, for one more call.
Just so, I can pick up the call, and tell him that someone else had actually called back, sooner.

Love n Bees

I beg you, please! do not love me. Your 143s make me nervous because I know your sugar aint free, pleaseeee do not love me. This sticky type love that snuffs me, denies me of space this type that attempts to demote me to a suckle-stance this love that you so demand that i must appreciate, that i must accept, that i must want, this passive-aggressive type love that is governed by laws that i know is glorified hatred, this gangsta “you either with me or you with them so you better be pickin a side” type love this strictly conditional depends on the day, the time, the way, the how, the fucking weather, or maybe even the color of font you got tonite type love that requests that i be dumb type love, love that wants me to succumb to wreck...this sugar-sweet though i'm diabetic type love that you insist is my realest love, who gave you the damn right to tell me what love i will or will not ever know? Since when did God die, since when did you board that throne? I sure as heavens didn’t get that memo!
This "oh you off to the mall?, but wait... we should go together" - type love! the type that suggests we rock matching color-gears -type love THIS shit type love that attemps to suffocate what makes me, that attempts to block all light rays away from me this type love this "i thought i almost saw the rainbow there for a minute till you arrived at ma door for the hundrendth mothafucking time"-type love! LOVE... that places my wallet on a pedestal, praises my ignorance and blesses my pride, this love! Love? is it? oh, i know it... this "love" that requires that hands MUST be locked once the doors ajar, eyes MUST stay locked since we being watched type love love that demands rehearsals looking like two pathetic losers love like sugar type love.... i know this love, i felt this love, i once thought i had no other choice but this love... couldnt reveal the true cards to the world... Never believe what you hear till you see it, never believe what you see till you're it. Couldnt get no one to see it then but i'm good now, shame wouldnt let me tell the truth of this ...love, you call it? yeah...The love that admires my blindness, belittles me till i am hardly worth more than a damn material! I'll tell you now, i aint ma hair! Do you not ever wonder what it took to achieve this? Really,... do you?
I sometimes wonder…why, why, why oh why? i mean...why is it, so hard to catch a bee when we brewed from the same tree? Gimme honey, anyday. Your sugar is artificial. Gimme honey made by the busiest bees! Bzzzzz.... nice to meet you. Honey annointed by their buzzes lust after by men GIVE ME IT! Blind men seek it, but never will they find cuz you cant catch a comb till you open your eyes! gimme that honey that purifies even the dullest minds gimme that! that shit that strengthens your neck, erects your musles, keep your head standing tall, make you resonate the king in you. Gimme honey of eden, honey in the most brilliant words give me please! Bee sting till i cant be healed, let me ingest its every drop! Honey today honey the next honey to soothe ma greatest thirst… honey of ma lands honey of the milkiest trees off the coasts of Trinidad. Mix it in ma cocoa in the morn and ma cocoa in the eve, serve me till the combs run dry...Cest moi, Mademoiselle Hibiscus,...hold it to the tip'f ma tongue, hold me in the highest height of climax. gimme that juice till i cant wait to cum! gimme honey allday, everyday...as far as i'm concerned, your sugar is artificial.

... i hear the wedding bells already... Midget weds Giant,,,

Its Benil's parry, and i have decided to invite...
Tall Girl Slim (actually i didnt exactly invite her... BeniL herself did)
and the jokest part of this is...
i also invited TallGirlSlim's biggest crush.

U see,
the issues isnt the fact that i invited her crush
the issues is that her crush is at least a whole foot SHORTER than her,
and about TWO FEET shorter than her when she wears heels (which she practically wears everyday BTW)


oh lawd! i'm so fuckin cute with these lil things i do!
I'm CUPID OF THE YEARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
ICANT WAit to watch him tryna dance wid her!
lmao stay tuned!...
tori lata

Please help me forgive u

i just want to say this
for the record,
i hate u
and hate u
and hate u







AND HATE UUUUU!

I've got a cooking date!!!!!!!!!!!

aight, just thought to share.. so ma one and only (ya, no... we havent broken up just yet) called to book a cooking date wid me... aight
se...
the thing is.... this nucc couldnt cook to save his lIFE! he just plain sucks at cooking! nigg couldnt even make rice! but u can trust me enough ain no wayyyy in this life, am i gettin tooo serious wid a man who wont be cooking for me so ya, he been doing it sometimes, BUT NOT WIDOUT MA SUPERVISION !!!
cus, ya, he neeeeeds ma supervision when it comes to cookin.
so if u kno me well, then u kno how much i luh food and how much more, i luhhhhhh a man cookin nekkid for me in'a me kichen!!!
so yes! tomorrow, i shall be gettin half ma wish! (no, he wont be nekkid)
he called today to mek an appointment with me tomorrow to cook something out'a ma fav cook book.... AWESOMMMMMEEEE!



dats why i luh him!


P.S
i'll keep u posted abt the food

I loff ma baby yep, yep, i loff ma boy! I loff ma baby... he brings me joy!

I'm on the phone with my baby right now.
He called to tell me this:

"I just wanted to call to tell you that I know these next two months will be really hard for us (because we both just started school, we're both working, AND our relationship is fairly new)i just want to let you know that i really love you and if anything bothers you, just let me know. Dont keep anything in. I'm here for you. If we can get through these two months, then we can get through anything... I really want this to work"

I loff ma baby!

ABOUT JEALOUSY...

so here is ma (we'll call me DOAMSS) MSN convo with one'a ma girls(we'll name her Caramelicious) . i think its very interesting and hope she doesnt sue me for posting it without her permission... (@ Caramelicious, dont forget that if u sue me, u wont get much cuz all i got is pennies...)




Caramelicious says:
ur blog is funny
Caramelicious says:
wat i was talkin about b4 is i dont have a blog on blogspot
DOAMSS says:
OHHH I C

She reads ma blog, then...

Caramelicious says:
is this wat d guy said:BUT I think thats called "cheating"
I know u're the one for me (i think) yet i aint ready to settle for "the one for me"... i wanna meet "the other ones that are for NOW" so i can have funnn
DOAMSS says:
NO, THATS WHAT i SAID, THOSE WERE MA THOUGHTS
Caramelicious says:
ohhhhh
Caramelicious says:
wat foolishness is this,can guys get any dumber:we have to play a game... its called: You-CAnt-Say-No"
DOAMSS says:
ya supposedly because i always say "no" to everything. like a party pooper. he wants to ensure i wont say no to playin the game

PAUSE>>>, then....

Caramelicious says:
wat mannnnnnn did all that?
Caramelicious says:
i jus read wat he did
DOASS says:
ya, theres a reason why i have stayed with him all the while
Caramelicious says:
ohhh
Caramelicious says:
its not (she says his name but u didnt think i'd actually put it on here, did u?) is it?
DOAMSS says:
ya it is
Caramelicious says:
awwwwwwwwwww howd i kno

Caramelicious says:
its meant to be
Caramelicious says:
omgggg
Caramelicious says:
u lost a close friend eh
Caramelicious says:
i'm readin d blog about u and sum gurl
DOAMSS:
YA. it had to be done because she became a winsh
DOAMSS says:
but she might have a different story to tell- her story would go as such: "i became extrememly jealous and insecured"
Caramelicious says:
of u?
DOAMSS says:
ya
Caramelicious says:
omggggggggggg that ruins friendship BIGGGGG TIMEEEEEEEEEEE
Caramelicious says:
speakin from experience
DOAMSS says: i know
Caramelicious says:
i make jealous thoughts go away
Caramelicious says:
cuz as soon as that takes in u jus start not liking the person ure jealous of
Caramelicious says:
u jus want them to come down
DOAMSS says:
ya, u have to think "if it was me, would i want ppl to be happy for me? am i not on thesame team with this person? if so, what am i jealous of?"
Caramelicious says:
i FORCE myself not to be jealous because one has to be careful...the devil does that to u
DOAMSS says:
oh ya!
Caramelicious says:
yessssssssssgullll:u gotta think "wat am i jealous of?"
Caramelicious says:
cuz in the end, its NOTHIN
DOAMSS says:
honestly! if she has someting that i wish i had, then i can make it a goal!
DOAMSS says:
and what DOES she have?
Caramelicious says:
thats wat i was gonna say:make it a goal
DOAMSS says:
everything that is accomplished by one, can be accomplished by others
Caramelicious says:
EXACTLYYY
DOAMSS says:
and its not like i even tried shoving anything in anyone's faces
Caramelicious says:
noooo i kno u
Caramelicious says:
u dont
Caramelicious says:
and u work HARD
DOAMSS says:
i made it known that whatever i had was tough to maintain i.e it isnt easy and i dont deserve it because its all an illusion
DOAMSS says:
ma car isnt mine till i'm done payin for it
Caramelicious says:
yaaaa...awwww this really shouldn't have ruined a friendship
DOAMSS says:
my home isnt mine till i decide to buy it
DOAMSS says:
ma education wasnt easy and i really dont have ma bachelors because I DONT HAVE IT JUST YETT!
DOAMSS says:
ma man and i have more issues than Osama so, what de ass is wrong with ppl?!
Caramelicious says:
lolllllllll
DOAMSS says:
but i'm glad its over because its better over
Caramelicious says:
well i would say, i dunno wat she did but with certain "friends" who needs enemies
DOAMSS says:
yap

U MET A WHAAA???

So Blogieblogblog, here i am again! same topic, but different theme...
I dont know if this shyt will work...
heres this heiffer (yea, mista man) tellin me he met a girl a lil while ago dat he "liked".
WELL, i'm capable of "liking" ppl too nigga! and fuk i got a whole list of menzzzz after ma lil bumbum!
Case in point:
Mista shortengine (he may be short but he looks like de type dat can go alllll nite!)
Mista Young-Cute-Face-No-Brain (ya hes senseless but at least he can jus stand there and look preety when i want him to... i mean, i coould go clubbin wid him jes to mek all de girls jealous! he'd be useful at least for dat!)
Mista Igbo-Needs-New-Face (lawd i really dont know what dis one can be good for but he says he gives good massages! AND he looks a lil rich!)
Mista Chase Lova (as long as i never give in to this nigga, he'll always be after me... he as dumm as dey come though! Always forgettin dat he aint de hottest shyt)
Mista I-Wanro-Tek_You_Shappingg (nigg is broke as hell but at least he can keep me dreamin!)
Mista Fraincais (need i say more? i can com jes thinkin of his accent... he is hottttt and just as broke)
Mista Fraincais #2 (forget the fact dat he got a girl! dis one is a definite cheater! )
Mista Worker-slash-Comedian (you're beauriful! i wanted u so bad! why didnt we ever meet again? we are too ridiculously busy ppl)
Mista Guinea-Man (Nigg keeps fogettin he ol'! fukin Pedophile! BUT! at least, he can "take care" of me!)
Mista Stuttering Motreal (he would'a been a good enough sugar daddy if i was still in highschool... nigg thinks a few bills can get him another date... besides, HE IS MARRIED!!!)
And many morees!

So what de fak do u mean by "u met a girl"????
It hurts!
Jealousy is a finch!

So ya, de "man" tol me he met a girl a few weeks ago but stopped talkin to her and he loves me and i am better but he wants to be honest with me. I like honesty but i cant stand the truth... the truth is agravating cuz it continuously nags me!

The truth is:


i wanro see other ppl WHILE i have HIM...

BUT I think thats called "cheating"
I know he is the one for me (i think) yet i aint ready to settle for "the one for me"... i wanna meet "the other ones that are for NOW" so i can have funnn!


dang! aint dat a bitch!

Baby, you're ma #1.

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This love has been, since then.

i dont know what i want anymore... but i know i want you.
does that even make sense to you?
a minute ago, i couldnt stand you.
Now at this moment, I want you.
But i know that even then, i loved you.
That has not changed- ever since the flame ignited, this love has been since then.


What do you want to do?
As for me, i'm confused so you tell me.....
What do you want of "this"?

Goodbye, you had been the one for me

Just here thinking about those days when i use to feel so bored, lonely and sad without a man-
what has happened to me?
For the first time ever, i am not yearning for that contact.
I'm not looking for a man; even though apparently you dont have to search for them, they keep coming regardless.
I was in love with you... so much in love for so long...
now, i dont even feel that kind of "love" anymore.

I miss you. that much is true.
I do miss you- the things we use to do... you'd give to me what i would never give to anyone (including you)
You gave, and you gave,
then you gave some more
and then some


You gave your all
Till nothing remained


I'm sorry i couldnt reciprocate your love


I hope you find someone else who can