My story with PB... concluded.

The story started here:

http://diaryofamadsoulsista.blogspot.com/2006/12/my-closure-bye-pb.html

So, it'd been over 3 years since we spoke but in January, we resumed our friendship or whatever is left of it anyway.

I wont get into the details, but from this experience, I have learnt that


1. where there is smoke, there is fire
2. Ountogaju, aawaa dero (whatever goes up, must come down)
3. There are no secrets in this world, neither are there mysteries. Just stories, waiting to be told.
4. A friend is only a friend for as long as she is friendly. Take it as that. Leave it, if that ship refuses to sail on good intentions.
5. Keep your enemies close, and your friends even closer.
6. Even friends, have flaws and that is okay. We are all humans. BUT Know what your friends flaws are!!! ..., before you get disappointed.
7. Assess both ends of an argument and never conclude, till you've heard each parties' stories.
8. Forgive! Forgive!! Forgive!!! (Really, it is not up to you to forgive. You simply must forgive, to survive the whole ordeal)
9. Let go, and let God.
10. It is well.

Friendship

is.
saying I'll be back, never returning, yet knowing that you'd forgive me.
is.
knowing that distance is never an excuse because you really are, right there.
is.
stopping mid sentence, and knowing that you just "got it".
is.
knowing that you're never alone because someone knows you're alive.
is.
crying alone but knowing that you never have to cry alone.

Friendship is laughter, moans, cries, jokes, and just about everything in between.
It is not knowing why you put up with my shit and me knowing that your shit stinks worse than mine.

Friendship! is what kept me from smacking your face when you said those things to me.
Somehow, i knew it needed to be heard. But it hurts, knowing it comes from you. I'd have to be the truth.

Friendship is telling me you were pregnant, knowing that you'd get kicked out of school, ostracized from the society if I told another soul

Friendship is driving 10 hours, just to be at your birthday dinner. I wouldnt miss it for the world. I would not miss it for a tasty bowl of peppersoup.

Frienship is what makes me want to reconnect back with you 12 years later. Found you on facebook but time has changed us. It is what stops me from deleting you from my friendslist though we dont even talk anymore.

Friendship is starting a story, saying BRB and calling you 3 months later to continue right where we left off. It is not having to catch up, because we just know neither one of us ever did change.

Friendship is that thing that keeps akward moments out. So I dont ask "are you okay", i know you are not... and you know my anger gets the best of me...hence why I had my foot in his face, thumping on him the next moment I could recall. Hey, it was worth it... he deserved every spit in the face.

Friendship is not having to lie that I had messed up. It is knowing that regardless, you'd tell me "its okay".

Frienship is the residue you leave in my mouth when you tell me you dont love him anymore, ... he is boring you to death, but you dont know what to do.

Friendship is that little thing you work on right next to the photocopier as you say a little prayer to God asking him to guide me at work.

Friendship they say, knows no boundaries but neither is it forever. So it is what makes me appreciate the times we spent together and the memories even though you eventually, betrayed me.

Friendship, is knowing that we are so different, but going out with you just to share the little things we have in common.

Friendship is not cursing your dad out when he said stupid things to me. You done know no other man could'a gotten away with that kind sht talk, right? I let it slide, because'a you.

FRIENDSHIP! is what keeps me going, remembering that we have an appointment to meet at the finish line in a few years from now. It is the motivation that you give me, and not ever wanting it to go to waste.

Friendship is me still owing you a grand to date. I had been so sick and out of work and you paid my rent for a month...Haha! I'll be sure to pay it back this summer, i promise lol.

Friendship is the "i miss you"s that escapes your lips before the "no homo"s... yet you turn around and tell me "i wanro torsh ur boobies"... it is what makes me accept your ever so contradictory opinions. I love you, just like that.

I wanted to leave a note. A reminder, yeah. That no matter what happens, am glad that God let your ship sail to me.

Tarnia

Today, I got a call from the insurance company, and zapped up some hot water a moment after that
Amazing how quickly it is to get that hot once you're reminded.

got myself some water boiled ready to brew ma beefy beans

The case will be closed. Closed today. I was at fault.
"Because it was a one-vehicle accident".
I didnt bother reminding her that it wasnt my fault
that I was not even driving
that I tried to swerve to counter your action
that I, was only trying to do a favour...

And though I hadnt hated you in a while, i got a reminder of that familia aroma.
Sat my mind down ready to sip again.

Relayed back to the memories of your voice, angry though you masked it
Asking me why i was raising my mine
And of mine, unable to hold my cool
I'd forgotten what its like to be cool

because in the 20some days that I was knee-back-arm-fucking mind-hurt in pain,
i reinterated what it means to be "cool"
And realised that cool is irrelevant in this mofn situation.

You cant tell me about cool
when I spent months out of work
unable to tell the date and time
when my mind took silly little vacations
without prior notifications at all...
bills pilled up like sinners on judgement day
yeah, i lost my cool...
but that ain no big deal, honey...
it was NOT the biggest thing I lost.

When your mother called me to discuss payment arrangements
And to tell ME how to deal with the situation
~oh,.... there goes another sip...~
If only she'd been there, to tell you how NOT to grab a driver's wheel
UNLESS YOU"RE THE MOTHERFN DRIVER!!!

And so I hadnt heard from you since then... neither have I called you.
And I wont ever do, because if your conscience isnt good enough to force you to act
Then I want nothing from you...


~breathe! Breathe!! BREATHE!!!~

and there, another sip

of ma beefy-brewed drink.
because I'd like to pretend that I'd moved on...
But i hate loosing a friend... and my favourite car... and ma mind... and a pain-free body at 24, and my rehab-lawyer-assessment-free days, all in one night.

Its just something I wasnt expecting...
sorry.
Oh, and happy belated birthday.

The Bang!

Ask anyone who knows me in person, and they would tell you, I Love Fetes!
So it wasnt a suprise that when my friend Tarnia called me to go out with her to a Fete, i jumped it and hailed "YES!"

We went, we had a great time.
GREAT TIME!
They played all the songs i hadnt heard since Mas! They played all the nice Parangs! They played "Jammin down de road!"
yall shoulda seen me, jammin to the beats!
i had a beautiful time!
Whats more?
I met this beautiful brova! HMM!!!
He was delicious! i loved the way he loved the best part of me...
and this may not be easy to get but... i loved what i loved of him, lots.

okay, so i danced with him...
and danced with him...
and danced with....
hmm...

So on our way out the club, I met Malik...
typical 20somn year old black boy tryna see if he can get a sugarmams...
anyway, i checked his fingers, yep! typical! had a cigg' lit up, snuffin carcinogens into MA GODDAMN AIR!
anyway, i was polite
"malik, i'll call you"
"oh,i know you wont"
"Malik" I tugged at the neck of his chest lightly "i ain scared'a you"
he looked at me halfway between scared-shitless and confused. I let go of his shirt, decided to poke his chest with ma index finger instead
"dont you think for ONE SECOND that i have trouble telliung you to FUCK OFF!"
"sorry"24yo man-boy was scared na
"If i wasnt gon call you, i wasnt gon tek your numba"
"okay, well, cuz some girls..."
i gave him a stare. He choked on his words.

"Well, let me give you a ride home"
"I dont need one. I drove"
"okay let me walk you to your car"
"We're right in front'a ma car"
then his strupid cousin opened his marijuana-infested mouth bout
"Dat dere cant be your car, cuz dat dere's ma brejen's car"
"i wouldnt ride in dat, mista. That"... i pointed one car away" is ma car"
"oh okay, sorry"
damn! so dats how the bitch woulda just busted me if i had lied? anyway... he'll get his.
So i get in the car and he(the cousin) gave Malik a lollipop to give to me "Just in case you get stopped" he said. I had told them i was drinking earlier... anyway, i pop'd it in my mouth.

So off Tania and i rode.


WHAT IS MEANT TO BE, WILL BE.
When we left, we were reminiscing on our exciting night. We were so glad we went.
I was driving, Tarnia in the passenger seat.
We were talking... then all of a fucken sudden,
Tarnia yelled something out ... i would have heard what she said if i wasnt so distracted by what she did with her hands next...
Her hands reached for the wheel, and she swerved the wheel left.
I knew she regreted it immediately because she pulled her hands off like the wheels burnt,
"oh shit!" she didnt mean to swerve it that hard.
Keep in mind, we were on the freeway, going 100-120km/h.
Trying to counter her action, i grabbed the wheel and tried to swerve right.
but it was too late.
we were spinning.

They say you see your life flash before your eyes when its your time.
Maybe they were right.
We only span once or thrice, but i swear we were spinning for 5 minutes... long enough for me to ask myself
"Mad Soul, are you wearing your seat belt?"
"Mad Soul, is Tarnia wearing hers?"
I answered yes to myself.
I looked up, to see that we were about to hit the guard rail on the freeway.
I got ready;
"Mad Soul, hold your head up and rigid, hopefully that will decrease the whip lash"
I held my head up stiff and rigid,
Rrrready, Set BANG!
and we were bounced back onto the middle of the freeway, slanted on lane 2 and 3.
I swore to myself... this must be some sort'f movie.

The first thing i felt was the throbe on my head.
i started to cry.
I looked up to get the car started. If a car hits us now, we'll die for sure!
I tried to start it, it wouldnt start. It was too late, the car was rebelling. It wouldnt start.
I looked sideways at Tarnia...
To my suprise, she was laying flat. Her chair had flatened out. The airbags had not deployed.
Thank God the girl that was supposed to come with us didnt come along. If she had, she would be sitting behind Tarnia.
I spoke softly
"why did you do that?"
"You were getting too close to this side, i was scared" i had never heard her so sorry
"Yeah but you should have just told me! i would have reassued you that i knew what i was doing. I was on the right lane for a reason!"
she started to cry. I was done my crying.
A car stopped by us.
"Please dont cry! Please! Please dont! We're alive Tarnia! and i've got full coverage on my insurance!"
But she cried deeper.
I understood her.
She had been here once before.
Back then, it wasnt I that drove. Instead, it was her cousin who was practicing the art of "sleep-driving". Needless to say, they crashed. I had been there before. An ex did thesame once. i was in the passenger seat, he was driving. I fell asleep. He did too... he wouldnt admit that he had fallen asleep too, till a year later. Needless to say, we crashed, ran off the highway, into a ditch. Thank God for the freezing rain, thats what we blamed it on.

Another car stopped. One of them called the popos.
One of them was an off-duty paramedic.
He came to us
"Are you okay?"
"YEs"
"You have to get the car out of the road!"
I tried again, the car moved, i moved to the sie of the highway.
"I am a medic, are you hurt?"
"No, but she might be"
He went over to Tarnia.

I got out of the car, went around it to assess the damages
i started to cry. and i think you would have to understand the love i have for my car, to understand why i cried.
i picked up the broken pieces... lights, and whatever else from the floor, i put them in my car.
We're going to need some major body work. I hope it is fixable.
I went to the front, my glass did notbreak... its cracked. We didnt hit the front, but the pressure must have cracked it.
The cops and paramedics arrived. They took Tarnia to a hospital emerge... shes okay now... We're in some funky pains right na... but physio can fix that i'm sure. I'll go see a chiropractor today..
One of the popos had asked me
"Have you been drinking?"
"Yes, please assess my alcohol level." To maintain my cedibility, i didnt want to lie. Yet i wanted him to check my alcohol blood level so that he would know that i had little to drink.
"okay, i will"
but he never did. I wasnt drunk. I wish i was. So i could leave that miserable moment and drift off to Lala-land where my car is perfect, and my back isnt hurting, and my ear isnt burning and my knee isnt aching and my butt isnt firing. I wish i could drift right into that space where i could be just perfectly normal where i'm not tryna figure out how life can be so funny, yet be so real.

What is meant to be will be.
And for this, i say To God be the Glory.

Happiness

Happiness... if only you knew.
Frowning, wondering when the bills will be paid; Bitching cursing in his name; Angry fucking up dem lungs... bitch is you out your mind?
If you ain happy with a good dick owned by a great mind and a big ol' pride to boot, what de ass will you ever be happy with?
I done seen lots'a losers. Who cry really for nothing. And when you ask them what the issue is, they simply cant speak. They do not know what troubles them, but they know they shed tears.
How do i console you when i know you're just being an idiot.
Negro, dont you know they've got billions of ppl who couldnt feed themselves last night? Half of them couldnt lay next to their love unless they okay with packing a mat to take down a sea because out of poiverty, men women and kids who they once called family lay in tha bottom of the sea. that shit we call seas are full of graves... you dont know shit, yet you cry.
Down by those same seas fishers fish but shit they not even well enough to know that they fishing the same fishes who once had feasts off'a dead bodies or they simply dont give a fuck because serious-the-fuckin-ly, would you care if your child needed the dime to heal? and i say "dime" because relly thats all they'd make.
what you say, Negro? You dont have no car?
Oh i'm sorry. how de ass you gon get to work na?
no car, no work.
some people would never dream of a moving vehicle. All they wish for was one that dont ever have to move but to sit there so they'd at least have a roof.
you ignorant ninny! getcho ass up! wipe away dem damn tears you think i wanna hear you yowl?
My pomeranian sweats baby, but i'd never know when.Just cause shes got furs dont mean she dont sweat.
I've got issues too but this aint about issues...
this is about happiness. This is about content. This is about appreciating the better things in your life.
Happiness dont depend on your circumstances. But your outlook. So look tha fuck out dem goggles you got! You egocentric mooncalf, life aint all about you. Some ppl got it worse, and they still living! They ain thinkin bout killing themselves! and by the way; do you know what happens if you jumped a bridge?
you might be lucky enough to actually die from it. If you do, shit, ppl will mourn. Then, they'll get over you and go on with life like you never existed. Yes, another woman will fuck your dick and he'll love it, another man will screw your pussy and she'll groan him. Another man will father your child, another woman will mother your baby. You'll be gone and i hate to remind you this but life will still go on!
AND you might be unlucky enough to survive the fall but i know you wont survive it intact. You might end up being brain dead and living the rest of your life as a carrot- a celery- a mere vegetable, living off of life support but unable to communicate with your world. Is that what you want? Cuz if it is, then go right ahead, heck you'll help provide more jobs for nurses, doctors, neurologists and a few crime-scene investigators... and since you couldnt appreciate your life, they might be able to appreciate it for you. they'll get paid, you on the other hand,... well...
But happiness aint about fears! its about making the choice!
Did you get out of bed this morning? Did you take a blanket off your body? Did you see your partner, your child, did you pick the phone up? Did you see your walls still standing and were you able to pee when you got to the washroom? The laundry thats got to be done, will you have the water to do them? did you go to work?

and you, reading this, did you need a reader or translator?
we've got so much tobe happy for.
Happiness runs in a circular motion.

... i hear the wedding bells already... Midget weds Giant,,,

Its Benil's parry, and i have decided to invite...
Tall Girl Slim (actually i didnt exactly invite her... BeniL herself did)
and the jokest part of this is...
i also invited TallGirlSlim's biggest crush.

U see,
the issues isnt the fact that i invited her crush
the issues is that her crush is at least a whole foot SHORTER than her,
and about TWO FEET shorter than her when she wears heels (which she practically wears everyday BTW)


oh lawd! i'm so fuckin cute with these lil things i do!
I'm CUPID OF THE YEARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
ICANT WAit to watch him tryna dance wid her!
lmao stay tuned!...
tori lata

Bettina Fletcher

I went to see Bettina yesterday. It looked nothing like her. Made it easier for me to deal with because i did not see the girl i knew in the casket. I saw a cassualty. A person who had experienced some kind of pain a nd as a result; died. I am yet to see her. I'll be attending her funeral today. In an hour i'll be there. Hopefully, it'll hit me then.

Bettina is dead, yet i dont feel it.

WHO DE ASS IS U???!

So i decided to write about my day today. Not because of any other reason than why i've always written: to vent.


So here goes yet another one'a ma lyrics:


Okay, if a person can not do for themselves,
do you expect them to do for you?
I remember back in highschool
Homegurl got mad- cuz her back wasnt had
but how u gon get mad
at someone who couldnt get their own back?
Do you expect of me
What i could not expect for myself?
and if i do not do that
that which would have matched and or surpassed your expectations
Must you speak it?
Let me rephrase that
Must you "yell" it?

I do not have
that
I do not have
them
yet i live!
i HAVE adjusted accord-the-fukin-lly!!!
WHo is u? that u cant?
who is you to question what i have
who is you to ask me?
who is you to make me feel so bad?

I do not have
not like i use to
when it was all abundant
when anything and everything was there
and whatever wasnt, could have gotten there
it aint like dat for me right now!
and since i have managed to get over it,
who the fuk is u to complain?
to make me so bothered?

And when i brought it up to u
who de ass was u, Not to understand?

I can live with mistakes
I can live with differences
But i wont be living with motherfuckers who depress de shicks outta me
Hope to God i never have to repeat this again
Because unlike most assholes i know, u're actually one i give a shyt about

P.S
do you not know that they (or is it "she"?) can hear u? or are u just that much of a &$*%?



Aight, as i have related it, it is now off my mind. Now i may go study ;o)

PPS:
whatever u read is always MY side of the story and that only... so judge (if u must) accordingly.

Why? Because, Miss Ngo gives.

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My husband.... does it bother you?

You came and u blended.
BTW, does it bother you when i call you "my husband"?
How could i not? You fear God, you are cute, you are intelligent, you are bold, you are caring, you are feisty, you are strong, you are caring AND you give yourself!
How could i not love you?
Thanks for coming for my nephew's party.
When you came, everyone thought you knew my sis personally- they were suprised to hear that you were only an aqquaintance... you had blended so well!
Still i really want to know... does it bother you when i call you my husband? does it make you feel like i am trying to make you something that you are not?
It is not my intention.