"I was here"... Madsoul, signing out.

It is no coincidence that the wall paper is navy... blue.
No coincidence that these posts reek of anger.
No coincidence that I exclaim excessively.
And it sure is no coincidence, that I am named, Mad.
Though my Soul remained, I was Mad, nonetheless.

This space, was created for that sole purpose; to express my madness. In some ways, it may be seen as a space for expression. I know better now, that it was created, to ask for some sort of assistance. Who from? Certainly not from readers. (Was it?) Where then, from? From within? Was I asking to be saved from myself, by myself?
Who knows?

But of course, hindsight is always 40/20. Hence why now, I know that this space was no coincidence. It was created, by the depressed person that I was, who had no idea what it meant to be "taken over". This person that I was, had no idea what it meant to be sad. This person, that I was... had just begun a journey into a different depth of understanding.

Ahhhh. Now I know.

...and with the riddle solved, and the orange eaten, I simply feel no need for the peel.

The circle is now complete. I have regained control over myself, and my mind.

For all the people I have met through this avenue be it directly or indirectly, bless you all.

Please remember:
Keep control of your mind. Without the mind, the body, is but an empty vessel. Exercise your mind. Just as you would not eat feces, do not let dirty thoughts, cross your mind. Love yourself. If it isnt easy, FORCE it. Let negative people out of your life (I've learnt from experience. Learn from mine.)... and find someone to trust, to speak your troubles to. Lastly, KNOW that when the light is dim and the windows are shut, regardless how often you've sinned, there is always your God waiting to listen, and forgive.


Goodnight, and goodbye.

My story with PB... concluded.

The story started here:

http://diaryofamadsoulsista.blogspot.com/2006/12/my-closure-bye-pb.html

So, it'd been over 3 years since we spoke but in January, we resumed our friendship or whatever is left of it anyway.

I wont get into the details, but from this experience, I have learnt that


1. where there is smoke, there is fire
2. Ountogaju, aawaa dero (whatever goes up, must come down)
3. There are no secrets in this world, neither are there mysteries. Just stories, waiting to be told.
4. A friend is only a friend for as long as she is friendly. Take it as that. Leave it, if that ship refuses to sail on good intentions.
5. Keep your enemies close, and your friends even closer.
6. Even friends, have flaws and that is okay. We are all humans. BUT Know what your friends flaws are!!! ..., before you get disappointed.
7. Assess both ends of an argument and never conclude, till you've heard each parties' stories.
8. Forgive! Forgive!! Forgive!!! (Really, it is not up to you to forgive. You simply must forgive, to survive the whole ordeal)
9. Let go, and let God.
10. It is well.

Sleepless in bed.

I have been awake since 4:10 pm yesterday. It is now 1130pm. It is almost another day and my eyes are swollen. My thoughts are racing and my head hurts. Yet everytime I lay to sleep, I am consumed by this fabricated illusion of you inside of me. Please! say it aint so.

Friendship

is.
saying I'll be back, never returning, yet knowing that you'd forgive me.
is.
knowing that distance is never an excuse because you really are, right there.
is.
stopping mid sentence, and knowing that you just "got it".
is.
knowing that you're never alone because someone knows you're alive.
is.
crying alone but knowing that you never have to cry alone.

Friendship is laughter, moans, cries, jokes, and just about everything in between.
It is not knowing why you put up with my shit and me knowing that your shit stinks worse than mine.

Friendship! is what kept me from smacking your face when you said those things to me.
Somehow, i knew it needed to be heard. But it hurts, knowing it comes from you. I'd have to be the truth.

Friendship is telling me you were pregnant, knowing that you'd get kicked out of school, ostracized from the society if I told another soul

Friendship is driving 10 hours, just to be at your birthday dinner. I wouldnt miss it for the world. I would not miss it for a tasty bowl of peppersoup.

Frienship is what makes me want to reconnect back with you 12 years later. Found you on facebook but time has changed us. It is what stops me from deleting you from my friendslist though we dont even talk anymore.

Friendship is starting a story, saying BRB and calling you 3 months later to continue right where we left off. It is not having to catch up, because we just know neither one of us ever did change.

Friendship is that thing that keeps akward moments out. So I dont ask "are you okay", i know you are not... and you know my anger gets the best of me...hence why I had my foot in his face, thumping on him the next moment I could recall. Hey, it was worth it... he deserved every spit in the face.

Friendship is not having to lie that I had messed up. It is knowing that regardless, you'd tell me "its okay".

Frienship is the residue you leave in my mouth when you tell me you dont love him anymore, ... he is boring you to death, but you dont know what to do.

Friendship is that little thing you work on right next to the photocopier as you say a little prayer to God asking him to guide me at work.

Friendship they say, knows no boundaries but neither is it forever. So it is what makes me appreciate the times we spent together and the memories even though you eventually, betrayed me.

Friendship, is knowing that we are so different, but going out with you just to share the little things we have in common.

Friendship is not cursing your dad out when he said stupid things to me. You done know no other man could'a gotten away with that kind sht talk, right? I let it slide, because'a you.

FRIENDSHIP! is what keeps me going, remembering that we have an appointment to meet at the finish line in a few years from now. It is the motivation that you give me, and not ever wanting it to go to waste.

Friendship is me still owing you a grand to date. I had been so sick and out of work and you paid my rent for a month...Haha! I'll be sure to pay it back this summer, i promise lol.

Friendship is the "i miss you"s that escapes your lips before the "no homo"s... yet you turn around and tell me "i wanro torsh ur boobies"... it is what makes me accept your ever so contradictory opinions. I love you, just like that.

I wanted to leave a note. A reminder, yeah. That no matter what happens, am glad that God let your ship sail to me.

You.

I hope you someday,get to see this
But i didnt want to tell you it
You dont deserve a word from me
Instead, you may read it here

Because somewhere along the line,
you forgot that you are not the only one with feelings.

It isnt my fault that you're late.
It is yours.
But if i continue to let you hurt my feelings
It'd be mine.

Thanks.

Doubting in secret.

Its one of those times when I dont want pity
I wAnt fixing.
Ever made one of those mistakes that you dont even know if you can ever get to fix?
I dont even want to call it a mistake.
That sounds like an excuse.
i want to call it
"an-occurence-that-i'd-like-to-fix-regardless-if-i-deserve-this-chance-or-not"
Because to tell you that it was a mistake maybe to tell you that i deserve this chance
but see, i dont even care.
I just want to fix it.
I was thesame one, who just a few years ago, I did this.
Yet I am back, wondering If I can get a chance to do it again, differently.

How would fate trust me?

That this time, I'd be smarter to fix this.

Yet i say, though its harder to run while you're down,..."I'd like to fix this"

Because I've worked so hard.
Not hard enough, maybe.
But hard.

I got in from work today, and cried.
It dawned on me that I am racing against odds.
Wondering about it made me realize
I cannot continue like this.
Something has got to give, yet, I have no idea what to do.

I know I say it is well
But I see better at night.
After coming in from work, with stacks of these processed trees in my hand, Deadlines knocking on my mind...I realize just how much I need help.

Was this my mistake?
Did I take the wrong steps?
Was it something I could have controlled?

I have no clue.
I feel terribly hopeless.
How do you pray to God?
When farther beyond your point of fate,
You secretly, doubt that this mountain will move.

Miss Chika, goodbye love.

So i went to do my blogrounds only to find that my longtime (almost for as long as I've been a blogger) blog-friend is gone.


This is the message I got when I tried to check your blog:

"Blog has been removed

Sorry, the blog at misschika.blogspot.com has been removed. This address is not available for new blogs."

Did something happen while I was MIA?
Chika?
WHere fort art thou?

omg YOU mean so much to me.
And like I say, Chika, you remind me of me.

Though we've never met, I appreciate that I ever knew your words, your space, whatever it was that i ended up knowing to be you.

Hoping this is not goodbye...see you on yahoo.


With tears in my eyes,
Mad Soul.



UPDATE:

so i just got a chance to communicate with Chika
and apparently, she is STILL HERE: http://www.misschika2.blogspot.com/


whew! thank God lol