Ma first love

Sometimes i really cant help the memories
comes knockin on ma mind, seepin thru the cracks i sealed
all those things i really want hidden
those bugs in ma bed
the
tugs in ma shirts
all tha
rubs on ma breasts
even before they ever were

Who made this life so?
fuck lard i dnt even know where to start


I wanted to tell
I'da loved to tell you

so maybe you could'a clarified for me
told me it wasnt sane
told me it wasnt right
told me i had done right

I held it in
really didnt know what else to do

You were there when you were there which in ma tiny eyes really wasnt but a short while so when u were there i wanted the moments where we could play so i could store in ma head for those times that you werent there...
You were there though you were not there like you were only there to lay your head and like all other fools out there you were there to make it seem like you were there but really, you really were truly nowhere to be found

I wanted to tell you and ask you if i was still a virgin in your eyes
Or if this meant i was as dirty as i felt
i was wanting from you or any godam person out there what it was that i felt and what it was that i could do to cure ma nightmare but...
you wasnt there

did this mean i was more special to *** i mean did we have anymore connections? did we? did we? was this ma first love? tell me...

ma best friend wasnt there
we had about 9 years invested in this tight frienship but yet you wasnt there

and i am sorry that you wanst there

for as you wasnt someone else taught me what love was
taught me what fear was in love and that fear was love and as fearful as a little person can be i was that much in love but this love was unforgiveable unspeakable unattainable uncurable it was forbiden never been heard of love that really should never have come that type love like.... love was wrong love
i whould never have loved like i did
and that love should bnever had been
and that love should never repeat
but i know it happens and i still live it
and even in ma freams i
never thought it'd be real and
days and days and years and uncountable moments i was so sure this wasnt real i mean...

hadtabe a dream

tomorrow i might wake up knowing it was a dream but dreams dont hurt...
and i am hurt
not because the ohysical pain, no there wasnt no painful thrusts
and the rubs were not painful enough for me to trust
this hurt isnt from painful fists or tugs at ma skin
this hurt streams from years of confuion
years of uncertainty
years of durt that never washes away in the tub
years of years of feelin insecured
even before i knew what insecurity was
years of not knowing
what this meant
and after those years,
years of knowing what it meant
and more hurts yet still
nurtin from knowin it came from ***
burting from knowing *** thinks i forgot
and hurting from wonderin if its been redone
i mean i done grownup
but victims live in abundance
did u find a new love?
i still hurt everytime i fantasize
u remain in ma fantasies though i hate to see u there
i want to be freed
it hurts to remain impreisoned
u gave me a life sentence
took from me what u didnt own


i kno this love was unreal
because i never seen this love replayed i
never seen be the norm how
can u explain to me this dream i lived
how could i love like this?

"Jdfgst rh ajd"


i know that now
but u didnt teach me it

i really wish u were there

please tell me you were sorry
so i can see if i can forgive
and hopefully too,
forgive ma ***