Doubting in secret.

Its one of those times when I dont want pity
I wAnt fixing.
Ever made one of those mistakes that you dont even know if you can ever get to fix?
I dont even want to call it a mistake.
That sounds like an excuse.
i want to call it
"an-occurence-that-i'd-like-to-fix-regardless-if-i-deserve-this-chance-or-not"
Because to tell you that it was a mistake maybe to tell you that i deserve this chance
but see, i dont even care.
I just want to fix it.
I was thesame one, who just a few years ago, I did this.
Yet I am back, wondering If I can get a chance to do it again, differently.

How would fate trust me?

That this time, I'd be smarter to fix this.

Yet i say, though its harder to run while you're down,..."I'd like to fix this"

Because I've worked so hard.
Not hard enough, maybe.
But hard.

I got in from work today, and cried.
It dawned on me that I am racing against odds.
Wondering about it made me realize
I cannot continue like this.
Something has got to give, yet, I have no idea what to do.

I know I say it is well
But I see better at night.
After coming in from work, with stacks of these processed trees in my hand, Deadlines knocking on my mind...I realize just how much I need help.

Was this my mistake?
Did I take the wrong steps?
Was it something I could have controlled?

I have no clue.
I feel terribly hopeless.
How do you pray to God?
When farther beyond your point of fate,
You secretly, doubt that this mountain will move.

Forgiven.

Fleeting. So damn randomly...every single minute its one and another new thing. And there're so many minutes in a day.
Watching the world for what you should be. Then you wonder why you destroy yourself so.
You know you cant compete with the wind.
Yet you try. Anyway.

If that isnt the way to killing yourself... building a failing soul,
really... then i dont know what is.

Watching the world for what you should be. So every idea seems so ideal. Your feet unsure you're bound to fall for anything.

You are someone's child. Someone's lord. Yes, he loves you that much. And when its been so long, it gets even longer but all you have to do, is realise that he has always been the type to forgive.

Can you forgive yourself?
Can you look back long enough, to release your soul?

Me, tomorrow.

i just wanna let you know that i am tired.
I am. I meannnn, really am!
i am tired that ihave o wait till you decide to come around. that ihave to wait cuz you got the net to do that i have to wait that you got you a new crew and for some reason you must get familiar with them new bitches so yall can make history.
plain and simply tired of you misunderstanding what i am.

HURRY THE FUCK UP! cuz i am tired'a waitin for you to gimme some dmn life.

I'm in trouble

what am i going to do?
God! i need deliverance

I cry

Today deserves its own post.
Eventful, confusing, silly, joyful,yet so dam fucked up!


Ok, so yes, i've always known how you felt about me... never really had problems with it ( <--- just lied )... but i'm seriously and honestly just tired of hearing it!
What is it that you're going throgh? I'd like to know what you are fuckin thinkin!
What is it that makes you say the things you say; act the way you do, to me?!



Have i ever needed from you before? Okay, maybe i have...
Do you think i ever will need from you again?


When you are gone, i will be there to read a well written letter.. about how much you loved me, and how much i loved you in return.
I will not portray my feelings of you on this day, on that day. I just simply cant! For the sake of respect for the departed, i wont!

Do you know that i love you more than most?
Did you ever know that?
Did that ever matter?
No seriously! DID YOU EVER GIVE A SHIT!???



Back to the memories of your thoughts of me.
Incapability and Mistrusts fills the dreams.
When i am where you never thought i'd be, do you not stand tall and hail me?


I dont need the notes. Dont need the meals. Dont need the dried homely powders thats meant to remind me of the better times, sink ma head in the memories of the better days as you beat ma back with shame! I DONT NEED THIS SHIT like i needed your fate!

Do you know what i am going through? no, do you understand?
WHen i call you to let you know its been received, will you be able to imagine my cries?


You have many more.
I am only one.

Please believe i am not blaming you.
You can only give what you have.
What you didnt have, you could not have given me.
But on the other hand, i must cry.
I have to. Its all i know to deal... to deal.

I cry for your ignorance.
For the fact that you do not see what you do
For the fact that you do not know what is important
For the fact that you never falter in your demeaning ways
Cnsistently though sporadically, i can always count on the fact that you will never believe

I cry because it hurts
It hurts too much for me to explain
But pain is a teacher
Teaches me that this isnt the worst
It gets much more painful

When u hurt, u must treat the cause,
You have caused me too much pain
I cant afford you.

I'll have none with you
But i'll see you at the finish line


***written 12/17/06***