Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Thank you for Coming

Thanks for coming
made me so happy
to further discovr more about you
as i further find my stand in life

Caramel is as clueless as they come
makes m wonder, how is ur hgb?
Ms. Ngo continues to give
very colour-minded,habitually "immatured"
Tallgirlred is a friend
so fucking distant, yet, close enough
BeniL has issues
much more than i ever imagined

Is this even worth it?

thanks for coming though. i had such a great time. laughed like i havent done in a while, eat like it was runnin outta style.

But seriously though, Caramel... check ur hgb
if by the end of "Radio", all u seemed to grasp was "oh, the boy is retarded",
then cocoapuffs, do pls, get a blood check. i bet u any money, u're as anemic as my housecoat.

Ms. Ngo. Honeychile, where are u going?
how do u make plans and do the exact oposite. why de fuk would u expect thesame result? anybody can be rich. but only a smart motherfucker, can be wealthy. baby, enrich urself. enrich ur life. enrich ur senses!!! lets get u back into school...
i can tell in the way u speak, the way u articulate ur life, ur words, ur actions, althogh u are able to love, u love in the "youngest" ways...
baby girl, u are so much more! daddy can only live for so long.
what will happen when he is gone?
i beg u pls! for the sake of everything u plan to have.
lets get you back to school...

Tallgirlred... where are u?
u are an artist.
u have managed to master the art of reclusion, while at the very same time, displaying ur presence; so i am forced to ask u...
where are u, my love?
come here, chill here, live here...
we can be hurt a million times
but somehow, we have got to live life
come back.
here.

BeniL. just met u. dont know what in de name of jelusifat, to do with u.
thanks a buuuunnnnnnnnchhhhhhhfor the gift...
but
u are not for me, though i thank u for coming.
You think you can make a maid out of a queen?
you cannot "act" to me. I see right through u.
yes, u have a problem.
yes life is harder.
yes, you have had to adjust.
but!
no, i am not stupid.
u can do for yourself.
did u think u were the only one here?
do you think that we dont all have issues?
and in the name of the almighty...
need i remind u where u are?
everytime u acted, my bullshit radar alarms.
so i wont be keeping u for much longer.
because i cant be friends with u, if u cant be true to yourself.
oh ya and btw- u should'a taken a cab.
would'a made me feel muchhhh better,
u tried calling ma bluff one more time,
and i'll make sure u get it.
u're lucky Tallgirlred made it into a joke
cuz i sure as fuk didnt think dat ish was funny

nevertheless,...

i wouldnt have spent my 24th birthday anyother way. thanks to mylove, caramel, ms Ngo, Tallgirlred and BeniL.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Please help me forgive u

i just want to say this
for the record,
i hate u
and hate u
and hate u







AND HATE UUUUU!

i'm 24!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yess!
happy bafday to me
happy bathday to me
happy bevday to meeeeeeeeeeeeee
happy beff dayyyyyy
to mmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Its my birthday today

YES, YES, YES, YET ANOTHER YEAR
FROM THE LAST TIME I YELLED
"CANT BELIEVE I'M THIS GROWN"
TILL THIS VERY MOMENT HERE
I HAVE SEEN, HEARD, FELT ENOUGH
TO KNOW THE ACTUAL DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN BEING 23
AND NOW

I AM 24 YEARS OLD
1 AM 24 YEARS YOUNG
AND ALL THAT IS IN-BETWEEN


what is life without lessons
for it is whitin those lessons
that we discover the true meaning
of this circle we call ..
"life"
I have learnt
to be passive
as it isnt a weakness
but a talent that only a few possess

I have learnt
to be strong
now strenght isnt my goal
it is the very drive that wakes me every morn'

I have learnt
to forgive
for nothing else can free u
from the boundages of animosities

I have learnt
to save
for if u do not live to enjoy it
u have families that will

I have learnt
to love
my self first,but others as much
for how can u love another, otherwise?

I have learnt
to move on
because life waits for no other
but no other- no one

I have learnt
to make friends
although friends arent always meant to last forever
they still are gifts from God

I have learnt
to follow my instincts
and if ever it was wrong,
i'd know to know better next time

I have learnt
to dance
for nothing else gives me more joy
than moving rythmically, to the beats in my ears

I have learnt
to laugh hard
because its the easiest way
to give my abs some exercise

I have learnt
to cry
because it purifies me
without all the physical fights

I have learnt
to write
for it is my therapy
tracks my memories, yet cleanses my thoughts

Monday, January 15, 2007

LETS DO THIS DARN THING THEN!

I WANRO START A "PRAYAZ FOR DE HEIFFERZ TUESDAY"!!!
AIGHT, SO HERE'S HOW IT'LL GO! ERR TUESDAY, I'LL POST A PRAYER-FOR-THE-HEIFFERS POST WHERE I'LL MAKE A POST IN HONOR OF THE MOFOZ I CANT STAND TO ACTUALLY PRAY FOR THEM. i BELIEVE IN WRITTING THERAPY. U WRITE TO HEAL (rigghttttt **rollinmafukineyesatmasef**) and praying for the pplz i cant stand will (i hope) get me to stop hating them so much because seriously, i think hate is a venom. it kills the soul within which it evolved. i dont care how this pplz feel bout me cuz seriously, dats their shyts. whatever they think only affects them and whatever issues anybody have is THEIR problem. likewise, ma issues with anyone else is MA prolem.
why a "prayaz for the heifferz tuesday" u ask?
because i cant be gettin no gaddem heart attacks from thinkin abt how much i cant stand pplz! i need to de-stress! and me thinks dis will help me a whole lot! aight! so today is only monday, hold ur horses, dogs and cats till tomorrow when i shall kick dis off!!!!

Nigg aint u neva been tol?! cant be passin ma # around!

wait! i almost forgot
u wouldnt believe wat dis one lost-soulless nigg did today! aight, so i met this guy lonnnng time ago one time, as i was walkin down to catch the bus! NIGG REEKED OF WEED! but his face was foinnnne! plus blakman was followin me down the streets so worefa, i gave him ma #. we talked and talked and talked some more and the more we talked, the more i realised how mush this match wasnt even made in hell- there jus want a match! period! so i quit callin him.
pls do believe it when i tell u dat i havent called mr. bwoy in well over 6 months!, YET HE been callin me continuously (ya, i gots it like dat) and mostly in the middle of the fuakin nite too! so anyway, got to a poitn i tol de nigg to quit callin me cuz ain no way we meetin again cuz ain no damn chemitry btwn us. next thin i know, he quit csllin for like a week, then resumed his usual callin routine again ! like &^%@$!!!!
man hasnt called me for a whole week though. and i shoulda known somn was up.
i gorra call from an unknown # today. sounded so mush like the mista weed-head mentioned above and i wondered why. then i realised: binsh had given his bwoy ma #! can u beweave dis shit! he gave his bwoy ma # to call me and link up wid me! anyway, i tol mr. weed-head's friend to let his bwoy kno dat he is one lucky heiffer dat i had deleted his digits long time ago becuz if i hadnt, he'd be gerrin a call from urs truly! cuz binsh needs a fukin reminder dat IT IS RUDE TO PASS MA FREEEPIN DIGITS ON WIDOUT MA FULKIN KNOWLEDE! NIGG IS LUCKY I'M BEING A "lady" ABT DIS SHYT!

\
**** oh ya! lmao i tol his friend to call me back lmaooooooooo! wtf! i wont be flirtin wid him, i jes needed to ... i really dont know why i tol him to call me back but i fukin did and so fukin waT!!!! like de bible done said: let he that hath no sin.... (alright den!)

I've got a cooking date!!!!!!!!!!!

aight, just thought to share.. so ma one and only (ya, no... we havent broken up just yet) called to book a cooking date wid me... aight
se...
the thing is.... this nucc couldnt cook to save his lIFE! he just plain sucks at cooking! nigg couldnt even make rice! but u can trust me enough ain no wayyyy in this life, am i gettin tooo serious wid a man who wont be cooking for me so ya, he been doing it sometimes, BUT NOT WIDOUT MA SUPERVISION !!!
cus, ya, he neeeeeds ma supervision when it comes to cookin.
so if u kno me well, then u kno how much i luh food and how much more, i luhhhhhh a man cookin nekkid for me in'a me kichen!!!
so yes! tomorrow, i shall be gettin half ma wish! (no, he wont be nekkid)
he called today to mek an appointment with me tomorrow to cook something out'a ma fav cook book.... AWESOMMMMMEEEE!



dats why i luh him!


P.S
i'll keep u posted abt the food

Bettina Fletcher

I went to see Bettina yesterday. It looked nothing like her. Made it easier for me to deal with because i did not see the girl i knew in the casket. I saw a cassualty. A person who had experienced some kind of pain a nd as a result; died. I am yet to see her. I'll be attending her funeral today. In an hour i'll be there. Hopefully, it'll hit me then.

Bettina is dead, yet i dont feel it.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I am sorry, Bettina

I got the message an hour ago
Ever since, i have been regreting
Last time i saw u
u was on hi5
i passed through
without even sayin hi
didnt bother to add you
why didnt i?

Got the message an hour ago
You are now dead

"Bettina died yesterday"
"She jumped over a bridge downtown"

Jesus CHRIST!

what could have been going through your mind?
WHat could you have been going through
That made life so worthless, so ubearable for you

I am so sorry

To me, you were happy
sometimes "tooooo" happy
Giddy
Bright
Pretty
Ambitious
Smart
To me,you were definitely not suicidal
I mean, sarcastic and quiet at times
BUT DEFINITELY NOOT SUICIDAL!


Wish i had been there
to let you know u aint alone
To tell you you may talk to me
To encourage you to stay here- in this life- on this earth!
To let you know
that i too, could have done thesame thing

And then i remember
that depression isnt caused by the issues in our lives
It only merely displays itself
In how we deal with those issues

I am so sorry

Rest in perfected peace,

Bettina Fletcher, 1983-2007.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

WHO DE ASS IS U???!

So i decided to write about my day today. Not because of any other reason than why i've always written: to vent.


So here goes yet another one'a ma lyrics:


Okay, if a person can not do for themselves,
do you expect them to do for you?
I remember back in highschool
Homegurl got mad- cuz her back wasnt had
but how u gon get mad
at someone who couldnt get their own back?
Do you expect of me
What i could not expect for myself?
and if i do not do that
that which would have matched and or surpassed your expectations
Must you speak it?
Let me rephrase that
Must you "yell" it?

I do not have
that
I do not have
them
yet i live!
i HAVE adjusted accord-the-fukin-lly!!!
WHo is u? that u cant?
who is you to question what i have
who is you to ask me?
who is you to make me feel so bad?

I do not have
not like i use to
when it was all abundant
when anything and everything was there
and whatever wasnt, could have gotten there
it aint like dat for me right now!
and since i have managed to get over it,
who the fuk is u to complain?
to make me so bothered?

And when i brought it up to u
who de ass was u, Not to understand?

I can live with mistakes
I can live with differences
But i wont be living with motherfuckers who depress de shicks outta me
Hope to God i never have to repeat this again
Because unlike most assholes i know, u're actually one i give a shyt about

P.S
do you not know that they (or is it "she"?) can hear u? or are u just that much of a &$*%?



Aight, as i have related it, it is now off my mind. Now i may go study ;o)

PPS:
whatever u read is always MY side of the story and that only... so judge (if u must) accordingly.

Monday, January 8, 2007

To my irreplaceable...

As much as you've hurt me, i miss you. Hope God grants you a safe journey. I'll talk to you in the summer, if i have gotten over it by then.

I loff ma baby yep, yep, i loff ma boy! I loff ma baby... he brings me joy!

I'm on the phone with my baby right now.
He called to tell me this:

"I just wanted to call to tell you that I know these next two months will be really hard for us (because we both just started school, we're both working, AND our relationship is fairly new)i just want to let you know that i really love you and if anything bothers you, just let me know. Dont keep anything in. I'm here for you. If we can get through these two months, then we can get through anything... I really want this to work"

I loff ma baby!

Friday, January 5, 2007

ABOUT JEALOUSY...

so here is ma (we'll call me DOAMSS) MSN convo with one'a ma girls(we'll name her Caramelicious) . i think its very interesting and hope she doesnt sue me for posting it without her permission... (@ Caramelicious, dont forget that if u sue me, u wont get much cuz all i got is pennies...)




Caramelicious says:
ur blog is funny
Caramelicious says:
wat i was talkin about b4 is i dont have a blog on blogspot
DOAMSS says:
OHHH I C

She reads ma blog, then...

Caramelicious says:
is this wat d guy said:BUT I think thats called "cheating"
I know u're the one for me (i think) yet i aint ready to settle for "the one for me"... i wanna meet "the other ones that are for NOW" so i can have funnn
DOAMSS says:
NO, THATS WHAT i SAID, THOSE WERE MA THOUGHTS
Caramelicious says:
ohhhhh
Caramelicious says:
wat foolishness is this,can guys get any dumber:we have to play a game... its called: You-CAnt-Say-No"
DOAMSS says:
ya supposedly because i always say "no" to everything. like a party pooper. he wants to ensure i wont say no to playin the game

PAUSE>>>, then....

Caramelicious says:
wat mannnnnnn did all that?
Caramelicious says:
i jus read wat he did
DOASS says:
ya, theres a reason why i have stayed with him all the while
Caramelicious says:
ohhh
Caramelicious says:
its not (she says his name but u didnt think i'd actually put it on here, did u?) is it?
DOAMSS says:
ya it is
Caramelicious says:
awwwwwwwwwww howd i kno

Caramelicious says:
its meant to be
Caramelicious says:
omgggg
Caramelicious says:
u lost a close friend eh
Caramelicious says:
i'm readin d blog about u and sum gurl
DOAMSS:
YA. it had to be done because she became a winsh
DOAMSS says:
but she might have a different story to tell- her story would go as such: "i became extrememly jealous and insecured"
Caramelicious says:
of u?
DOAMSS says:
ya
Caramelicious says:
omggggggggggg that ruins friendship BIGGGGG TIMEEEEEEEEEEE
Caramelicious says:
speakin from experience
DOAMSS says: i know
Caramelicious says:
i make jealous thoughts go away
Caramelicious says:
cuz as soon as that takes in u jus start not liking the person ure jealous of
Caramelicious says:
u jus want them to come down
DOAMSS says:
ya, u have to think "if it was me, would i want ppl to be happy for me? am i not on thesame team with this person? if so, what am i jealous of?"
Caramelicious says:
i FORCE myself not to be jealous because one has to be careful...the devil does that to u
DOAMSS says:
oh ya!
Caramelicious says:
yessssssssssgullll:u gotta think "wat am i jealous of?"
Caramelicious says:
cuz in the end, its NOTHIN
DOAMSS says:
honestly! if she has someting that i wish i had, then i can make it a goal!
DOAMSS says:
and what DOES she have?
Caramelicious says:
thats wat i was gonna say:make it a goal
DOAMSS says:
everything that is accomplished by one, can be accomplished by others
Caramelicious says:
EXACTLYYY
DOAMSS says:
and its not like i even tried shoving anything in anyone's faces
Caramelicious says:
noooo i kno u
Caramelicious says:
u dont
Caramelicious says:
and u work HARD
DOAMSS says:
i made it known that whatever i had was tough to maintain i.e it isnt easy and i dont deserve it because its all an illusion
DOAMSS says:
ma car isnt mine till i'm done payin for it
Caramelicious says:
yaaaa...awwww this really shouldn't have ruined a friendship
DOAMSS says:
my home isnt mine till i decide to buy it
DOAMSS says:
ma education wasnt easy and i really dont have ma bachelors because I DONT HAVE IT JUST YETT!
DOAMSS says:
ma man and i have more issues than Osama so, what de ass is wrong with ppl?!
Caramelicious says:
lolllllllll
DOAMSS says:
but i'm glad its over because its better over
Caramelicious says:
well i would say, i dunno wat she did but with certain "friends" who needs enemies
DOAMSS says:
yap

Why? Because, Miss Ngo gives.

ok, this is dedicated to ma fav girl of all time (especially for right now for the reasons stated belowssss)

so ma highschool iginlepampam girl- she vietnamese...
she ma girl till drop- no jokes.
this girl has issues upon issues as shes had a real tough life
anyway, met homegirl in 10th grade in highschool got real close, had a big fight, stopped talking to her, bumped into her 7 years later at a schore (all hail shopaholics), and been close again ever since.
She went with her man and daddy (cant stand girls wid rich daddies! &*@$%!), to travel to Hongkong! no dat aint it yall, she den went to VIetnam, AND FUKIN CHINA YALLLL!
I MEAN, WHY DE ASS CANT A BEESH LIKE ME BE AS LUCKY? dis definitely aint a fair life!

anyway, i can forgive her (yes, she needs forgiveness because being a lucky winsh IS AN OFFENSE!!! gadammit!)
i have forgiven her because she has gotten me...

1. "leopard" hello kitty car accessories (ma girl is hawt like dat! she got me like dat mayne!)
2. shoes
3. purses
4. a top


well yall know since she got dem clothes from the "anorexia lands" known as Honkkong,China and Vietnam, dat means she hadta get me extra large sizes right?
bish made me feel like godzilla when she tol me their size 9 shoe is like canada's size 6... ok, den what size would i wear in china den? custom made?

anyway, so here i am thinkin abt ma hanie- i love her. i do. she pisses me the fak off when she goes on like a spoiled brat, and when she bitches abt her weight and when she talks shit abt how she is ugly (i done tol dat heiffer she'll get in trouble if she ever says dat in the presence of a truly ugly person!) and how she bitches abt her man (who is good to her, if u ask me)! but i love her. why?
Because...
Miss Ngo gives.


i dont ever have to worry abt being alone because
Miss Ngo gives
I dont ever have to worry abt being sad because
Miss Ngo gives
I dont ever have to worry abt being broke alone because
Miss Ngo gives



She is selfless, and for that reason, i have been selfless towards her.
Miss Ngo, u've got a friend in me, anytime.



anyway yalls, i had to vent for a minute.. thanks for listening... (or is it...reading...)

Thursday, January 4, 2007

U MET A WHAAA???

So Blogieblogblog, here i am again! same topic, but different theme...
I dont know if this shyt will work...
heres this heiffer (yea, mista man) tellin me he met a girl a lil while ago dat he "liked".
WELL, i'm capable of "liking" ppl too nigga! and fuk i got a whole list of menzzzz after ma lil bumbum!
Case in point:
Mista shortengine (he may be short but he looks like de type dat can go alllll nite!)
Mista Young-Cute-Face-No-Brain (ya hes senseless but at least he can jus stand there and look preety when i want him to... i mean, i coould go clubbin wid him jes to mek all de girls jealous! he'd be useful at least for dat!)
Mista Igbo-Needs-New-Face (lawd i really dont know what dis one can be good for but he says he gives good massages! AND he looks a lil rich!)
Mista Chase Lova (as long as i never give in to this nigga, he'll always be after me... he as dumm as dey come though! Always forgettin dat he aint de hottest shyt)
Mista I-Wanro-Tek_You_Shappingg (nigg is broke as hell but at least he can keep me dreamin!)
Mista Fraincais (need i say more? i can com jes thinkin of his accent... he is hottttt and just as broke)
Mista Fraincais #2 (forget the fact dat he got a girl! dis one is a definite cheater! )
Mista Worker-slash-Comedian (you're beauriful! i wanted u so bad! why didnt we ever meet again? we are too ridiculously busy ppl)
Mista Guinea-Man (Nigg keeps fogettin he ol'! fukin Pedophile! BUT! at least, he can "take care" of me!)
Mista Stuttering Motreal (he would'a been a good enough sugar daddy if i was still in highschool... nigg thinks a few bills can get him another date... besides, HE IS MARRIED!!!)
And many morees!

So what de fak do u mean by "u met a girl"????
It hurts!
Jealousy is a finch!

So ya, de "man" tol me he met a girl a few weeks ago but stopped talkin to her and he loves me and i am better but he wants to be honest with me. I like honesty but i cant stand the truth... the truth is agravating cuz it continuously nags me!

The truth is:


i wanro see other ppl WHILE i have HIM...

BUT I think thats called "cheating"
I know he is the one for me (i think) yet i aint ready to settle for "the one for me"... i wanna meet "the other ones that are for NOW" so i can have funnn!


dang! aint dat a bitch!

I CANT GIVE HEADS right

i suck at sucking!
lmao

Baby, you're ma #1.

So this was my day yesterday...
I was 'possed to go out with Ella, so here i was procrastinatin in ma bed... watching the ceilin, msn-ing, talkin on the phone, - just ANYTHING that would prevent me frm gettin outof bed to get ready cuz i REALLLLY have trouble gettin out the bed...
anyway, so here i was indulging in ma niggerness when i started thinkin bout ma man- this male-ass has been again, upsetin the fuk outta me! i have never met such a confused soul!!! He pissed me off so much the night before that i ACTUALLY turned off ma phone!!! CAN U BELIEVE THAT? me!! of all ppl! ma phone has NEVER BEEN OFF! anyway, i needed a sweet escape from the crap he was serving me ears so... i turned ma phone off and dremt of to lala land where he dosnt exist!
anyway, that was the day before..
so of course it was no suprise that i woke up angry as fulk! I was so pissed, i just texted him this:
i want us to see other people. i dont think this is working. i have further proven to myself that i cant get anything right by you... i have tried and i have failed. maybe someone else can satisfy you

hell i didnt even cuss him! I was tired of his crap- jus plain tired! too tired to fight, too ired to cuss, too tired to fuss and too fukin grown to brawl! i jes wanted to let him go! (and again, dont ask me what he did- i truly dont remember... all hail early alzheimers')

Next thing i knew, mr. man called! He called to let me know he was down in my area and was coming over... i figured he got ma message so i asked him how he felt bout the message and realised i was wrong...
he hadnt gotten it.
Anyway, he finally checked it and simply replied "um.. i'll be there in 6 minutes"

so okay den, i tol him it was kewl... i mean,... its prolly better if i tol him to his face anyway! Then he said "we have to play a game... its called: You-CAnt-Say-No"
i thought for a minute: ya okay ur nigheighness! aint we a tad too late to try to suck up? so den i's like :i dont mind playin games as long as it dosent involve sexual activiies I was suprisd to hear him enthusiastically reply "oh perfect! thats great"
i thought for une momento: is dis mayn serious?
anyway, so he arrived and believe it or not, blindfolded me right from the door!
yall shoulda seen me grimacing cuz i was still so pissed!
so he guided me into the room and unto ma bed, started playing ma fav sons on ma pc, went into the kitchen, had me waitin there for what seemed like forever AND SOME!
He returned after eternity and started feeding me assorted fruits ad whipped cream, cheese and wine! the trick to it was he had me identifying what they were e.g watermelon, blueberry, rose wine, smoked cheddar cheese...
IT WAS BEURRIFULLL!
and when i thought that was it, hell naw, he's jes getitn started!

He then led me to the bath and ran ma bubble bath with this sweet smelling zBrown sugar cupcake flavoured bubble bath gel that was just soooo sensual...
thn he proceeded to wash me- basically bathe me (who tol dat nigg i was durrty in the first place?)! he dried me off, returned me back to bed and ... the rest was history that i hope dont become babies....
The whole thing lasted 4 hours!
i was soooo happy!
so yeah, this is dedicated to ma fav mayne of all time... i always tell u u're better than the rest... not only because i want to kiss ur ass but also because its true...
I LUVS U BABESSS!