I cry

Today deserves its own post.
Eventful, confusing, silly, joyful,yet so dam fucked up!


Ok, so yes, i've always known how you felt about me... never really had problems with it ( <--- just lied )... but i'm seriously and honestly just tired of hearing it!
What is it that you're going throgh? I'd like to know what you are fuckin thinkin!
What is it that makes you say the things you say; act the way you do, to me?!



Have i ever needed from you before? Okay, maybe i have...
Do you think i ever will need from you again?


When you are gone, i will be there to read a well written letter.. about how much you loved me, and how much i loved you in return.
I will not portray my feelings of you on this day, on that day. I just simply cant! For the sake of respect for the departed, i wont!

Do you know that i love you more than most?
Did you ever know that?
Did that ever matter?
No seriously! DID YOU EVER GIVE A SHIT!???



Back to the memories of your thoughts of me.
Incapability and Mistrusts fills the dreams.
When i am where you never thought i'd be, do you not stand tall and hail me?


I dont need the notes. Dont need the meals. Dont need the dried homely powders thats meant to remind me of the better times, sink ma head in the memories of the better days as you beat ma back with shame! I DONT NEED THIS SHIT like i needed your fate!

Do you know what i am going through? no, do you understand?
WHen i call you to let you know its been received, will you be able to imagine my cries?


You have many more.
I am only one.

Please believe i am not blaming you.
You can only give what you have.
What you didnt have, you could not have given me.
But on the other hand, i must cry.
I have to. Its all i know to deal... to deal.

I cry for your ignorance.
For the fact that you do not see what you do
For the fact that you do not know what is important
For the fact that you never falter in your demeaning ways
Cnsistently though sporadically, i can always count on the fact that you will never believe

I cry because it hurts
It hurts too much for me to explain
But pain is a teacher
Teaches me that this isnt the worst
It gets much more painful

When u hurt, u must treat the cause,
You have caused me too much pain
I cant afford you.

I'll have none with you
But i'll see you at the finish line


***written 12/17/06***