This love has been, since then.

i dont know what i want anymore... but i know i want you.
does that even make sense to you?
a minute ago, i couldnt stand you.
Now at this moment, I want you.
But i know that even then, i loved you.
That has not changed- ever since the flame ignited, this love has been since then.


What do you want to do?
As for me, i'm confused so you tell me.....
What do you want of "this"?

My husband.... does it bother you?

You came and u blended.
BTW, does it bother you when i call you "my husband"?
How could i not? You fear God, you are cute, you are intelligent, you are bold, you are caring, you are feisty, you are strong, you are caring AND you give yourself!
How could i not love you?
Thanks for coming for my nephew's party.
When you came, everyone thought you knew my sis personally- they were suprised to hear that you were only an aqquaintance... you had blended so well!
Still i really want to know... does it bother you when i call you my husband? does it make you feel like i am trying to make you something that you are not?
It is not my intention.

The pursuit of Happyness

I just saw this movie today (thanks to one of the "Mikes")and lawd Jeebzuz! i loved it! i almost cried, i laughed, i lovedddd!
Is that real?
For a man to love his son/daughter that much... enough to give everything and do everything for him, through thick and thin while at thesame time, upholding his belief of a "true father" in the process?
If dats real then maybe i wont mind havin a baby so much...

I am incapable, so i wont

I will be brief, and straight to the point.

I dont want to speak with you.
Not for a while, not for a long, long while.

How dare you call me? Did you think i'd answer?
What were you expecting? a "yessir"?

I am finished for a while.
You remind me of you, and i willllllll nottt! be reminded!

How little could you think me?
You thought me so little, i'm suprised i ever got here!
you thoght me so little, i'm glad i didnt breathe that stagnant belittlin stench in all my life otherwise, what chances could i have had?

I am incapable sir, so i wont.
I am not capable of living the way i should
i am not capable of doing the things you asked and even when i did,
I was not capable of doint it right
I am not capable of being a normal human being
So i wont
I wont even try

I'll set my goals so low, i wouldnt even need to reach to achieve them
I have you to constantly remind me that i cant

But i'd like to know mister man,
what happened the last time you were wrong?

I cry

Today deserves its own post.
Eventful, confusing, silly, joyful,yet so dam fucked up!


Ok, so yes, i've always known how you felt about me... never really had problems with it ( <--- just lied )... but i'm seriously and honestly just tired of hearing it!
What is it that you're going throgh? I'd like to know what you are fuckin thinkin!
What is it that makes you say the things you say; act the way you do, to me?!



Have i ever needed from you before? Okay, maybe i have...
Do you think i ever will need from you again?


When you are gone, i will be there to read a well written letter.. about how much you loved me, and how much i loved you in return.
I will not portray my feelings of you on this day, on that day. I just simply cant! For the sake of respect for the departed, i wont!

Do you know that i love you more than most?
Did you ever know that?
Did that ever matter?
No seriously! DID YOU EVER GIVE A SHIT!???



Back to the memories of your thoughts of me.
Incapability and Mistrusts fills the dreams.
When i am where you never thought i'd be, do you not stand tall and hail me?


I dont need the notes. Dont need the meals. Dont need the dried homely powders thats meant to remind me of the better times, sink ma head in the memories of the better days as you beat ma back with shame! I DONT NEED THIS SHIT like i needed your fate!

Do you know what i am going through? no, do you understand?
WHen i call you to let you know its been received, will you be able to imagine my cries?


You have many more.
I am only one.

Please believe i am not blaming you.
You can only give what you have.
What you didnt have, you could not have given me.
But on the other hand, i must cry.
I have to. Its all i know to deal... to deal.

I cry for your ignorance.
For the fact that you do not see what you do
For the fact that you do not know what is important
For the fact that you never falter in your demeaning ways
Cnsistently though sporadically, i can always count on the fact that you will never believe

I cry because it hurts
It hurts too much for me to explain
But pain is a teacher
Teaches me that this isnt the worst
It gets much more painful

When u hurt, u must treat the cause,
You have caused me too much pain
I cant afford you.

I'll have none with you
But i'll see you at the finish line


***written 12/17/06***

Debra

I am yet to call. I am so sorry. Knowing you have no one, yet not being there. Been so busy being away, that i forgot to be there.
I'll call you tonite.
Love you babes, talk to you real soon...bye.

Waiting for tomorrow

Today is a little less hard, a little more tiring and a lot more confusing.


Tears still flow
Mirrors still strange
Thoughts still loud


Still looking for better days