You.

I hope you someday,get to see this
But i didnt want to tell you it
You dont deserve a word from me
Instead, you may read it here

Because somewhere along the line,
you forgot that you are not the only one with feelings.

It isnt my fault that you're late.
It is yours.
But if i continue to let you hurt my feelings
It'd be mine.

Thanks.

Doubting in secret.

Its one of those times when I dont want pity
I wAnt fixing.
Ever made one of those mistakes that you dont even know if you can ever get to fix?
I dont even want to call it a mistake.
That sounds like an excuse.
i want to call it
"an-occurence-that-i'd-like-to-fix-regardless-if-i-deserve-this-chance-or-not"
Because to tell you that it was a mistake maybe to tell you that i deserve this chance
but see, i dont even care.
I just want to fix it.
I was thesame one, who just a few years ago, I did this.
Yet I am back, wondering If I can get a chance to do it again, differently.

How would fate trust me?

That this time, I'd be smarter to fix this.

Yet i say, though its harder to run while you're down,..."I'd like to fix this"

Because I've worked so hard.
Not hard enough, maybe.
But hard.

I got in from work today, and cried.
It dawned on me that I am racing against odds.
Wondering about it made me realize
I cannot continue like this.
Something has got to give, yet, I have no idea what to do.

I know I say it is well
But I see better at night.
After coming in from work, with stacks of these processed trees in my hand, Deadlines knocking on my mind...I realize just how much I need help.

Was this my mistake?
Did I take the wrong steps?
Was it something I could have controlled?

I have no clue.
I feel terribly hopeless.
How do you pray to God?
When farther beyond your point of fate,
You secretly, doubt that this mountain will move.

Miss Chika, goodbye love.

So i went to do my blogrounds only to find that my longtime (almost for as long as I've been a blogger) blog-friend is gone.


This is the message I got when I tried to check your blog:

"Blog has been removed

Sorry, the blog at misschika.blogspot.com has been removed. This address is not available for new blogs."

Did something happen while I was MIA?
Chika?
WHere fort art thou?

omg YOU mean so much to me.
And like I say, Chika, you remind me of me.

Though we've never met, I appreciate that I ever knew your words, your space, whatever it was that i ended up knowing to be you.

Hoping this is not goodbye...see you on yahoo.


With tears in my eyes,
Mad Soul.



UPDATE:

so i just got a chance to communicate with Chika
and apparently, she is STILL HERE: http://www.misschika2.blogspot.com/


whew! thank God lol

Why not here?

I find myself thinking about you.
Intermittently.
And though I do, I still feel like I am within myself.
No loss here, no...blind walks, nothing like that nostalgic feeling of wanting the future today wrapped up in this moment's creamy coating,...nothing...like that.
I seriously do not feel blind.
I dont feel lost.
I dont find myself muttering your name in my dream as I resurface back to real
i dont miss my steps in thoughts of you, I do not...feel madly in love.

I feel something far from it, but remotely close enough.
Ever had a fall but had a faint prelude where you'd lost your balance yet, you could'a still held on if only you had not tripped that hard?
Ever?
Never?

This isnt what it feels like to be in love.

This is what it feels like to know that it is on its way.

And I will tell you now, I am not that scared.
Something tells me that though there is a reason to be afraid, I will never be able to love that easily again.

Hence why I picked up the phone...called another man...found myself doing...things I'd never do.

Stories of a damaged heart vessel.
in a diary of a misplaced love.
They say these things dont come back.
But you can train a heart to somehow, live again.

So no.
This isnt what it is like to be in love.
I know what it is like.

I cant ever feel that. I wont ever feel that.
Knowing I'd end up back here.

Problem is, I am here.
While you, are there.
One of us, is in the wrong place.

-------------- <3