Two days ago, I turned 26.

And as my 25th year had brought me just about the worst trials,
It just may've been my year of blessings...
these things, supposedly dont come in pretty packages
And this one, surely didnt.

I was out of school
I felt like a failure
I was in love
Unrequited, at that.
I had to let go
He had.
She, had not.
He didnt.
I was back and forth
With a man who just would not, let me go
But triangles arent circles
And all its three corners just did not work
Too tight... too this...too that...we just didnt work
I restarted school. Or was it that school restarted me?
Not exactly sure.
But am here now... and loving what life has forgiven me...in my 25th year.

And this circle
is approximating
closing in on me
and somehow, i feel some warmth
and i realize that dreaming
even to oneself
is valid.
And all dreams,
even in the funniest ways,
become reality.
And that prayers
are in thoughts
and in words
and in wishes
and much more so,
in dreams.
And i thank God
for the new additions
the old subractions
and the stagnant loves...
and that he/she/it did not wait
for me to utter words
but simply did
give me the best gift for my 26th year...

Now, I am 26.
And that much wiser.
And that much calmer.
And that much... more... understanding.
That everything, passes.
And love, forgives.
And love, forgives.
And people... please understand...that love, forgives.
And it forgives.
And i have forgiven.
And she has forgiven.
And i have been forgiven.
And this resilient thing
that prompts me to love again
somehow finds ways to wake me up
just in time
to realize
that the best gift ever,
was at the times I had been low
Aint nothing sweeter
than to see the hill from the valley.
I see it.
I do... "feel" it.
Well enough to want to try...
Well enough to want to climb...


Well enough to start over...now.

Thank you Lord.
Thank you, ever so much.
Ever, ever so much.
I am blessed.

As I mourn.

There is a prelude to this,
and a prelude to that phase too
and I'm wondering where I am this time
If not somewhere I'd already been.

I dont get it. It doesnt make sense to me. Love ISNT till its reciprocated... aint no one way to it, unless it isnt.
I dont get it.

Here, bleeding tears, wondering just how much longer I'll mourn.
Hell, count it down to the seconds, time me! and I have cried longer than I was with you. If I ever was...

LongeR!
and damn I say it, deeper, than you've loved me.

And that is the part that hurts, that at this moment, you sleep.
You mothafucker.
You. Sleep.

You fucking sleep.

And I mourn.

I curse the day I met you. I wish I hadnt.

I wish...
You were what I wanted you to be. As much as I know, you cant ever be, I fucking want it!

Yet, shes there, sleeping... and am here wondering... when really, it doesnt matter,does it?

You are obviously,
in love.

Remind me

I havent been posting, because theres been so many changes in my life recently...and so many of it, am not happy with and so many of it, I'd rather not remember...

But then I went back to my old posts and remembered just how much I like to write, so I thought why not write again...

I just got in from work...its my first job in 3months and my first day of work.
I had a good time.

What else do I write?... lol
I think that is about it...I have an exam on Monday that I have NOT studied for...and today is Sunday lol... Old habits are hard to break...

Anyway,
peace, love and oreocookies.

My Caribana week just ended :(

Now what am i going to do witht he rest of my summer?

Last thursday, i went to ing and Queens - didnt even stay to find out who won
Friday, went to j'ouvert- the official best party of my summer- water everywhere and then some! why was it still going on when we were leaving at 6am?! was so tired on our way home that me and ma girl had to park at a gas stationt o have a snooze which ended up taking us 2 hours! then i realised i had to run to mas camp to get ma costume!
Saturday- played mas with Toronto Revellers- Debbie Minott's section called Ipadaboologbon aka "The return of the wisdom keepers"
Saturday night- went to Carnival-in-yuh-backyard where some heiffer thiefed ma phone!!!
Sunday- slept, slept, slept. tried to get tickets to Firefete but it was sold out :( ... went to get a new phone instead.

then went to hamilton's carnival yesterday.


THe best caribana ever!

now, whats good for the rest of the summer?

Dont believe a word she sings

Dont let she lie to you
It aint always so good
but i know i couldnt have known better
because i simply, did not know better

Just as she wasnt yours
dont mean your very best friend would be the one
she cant save you, and neither can you, her
And i know i couldnt have known better
same way you cant possibly know better

Divine thinks its time
and you'd think its yours to hold
listening to her serenade you to dream
but her words aint yours
and her stories aint for you
Like Erykah's wasnt mine
and a microphone isnt like he was
yet i claimed he was it
the "love of my life"
shortsighted at 22, how much farther can you really see ?
got pumped, grooved and jammed to "our" song
held faith like it was visible
drank love so hard till i could see it
and he, believed...
but faith dont make real, real does.

So though her voice is groovy and i cant help but jam to the song
I wonder who else is getting fooled at 22

she aint talking about you
it aint always so easy
I am sorry but songs just simply, dont make love.

And i can tell you for sure
that at 25, still the same life just 3 years down that road,
I am still looking for that "love of my life".
And still trying to get him to see
that bestfriends dont always make the best love
and that there is no worse way to keep enslaved
than to surrender all, to let history dictate your current days.

Tarnia

Today, I got a call from the insurance company, and zapped up some hot water a moment after that
Amazing how quickly it is to get that hot once you're reminded.

got myself some water boiled ready to brew ma beefy beans

The case will be closed. Closed today. I was at fault.
"Because it was a one-vehicle accident".
I didnt bother reminding her that it wasnt my fault
that I was not even driving
that I tried to swerve to counter your action
that I, was only trying to do a favour...

And though I hadnt hated you in a while, i got a reminder of that familia aroma.
Sat my mind down ready to sip again.

Relayed back to the memories of your voice, angry though you masked it
Asking me why i was raising my mine
And of mine, unable to hold my cool
I'd forgotten what its like to be cool

because in the 20some days that I was knee-back-arm-fucking mind-hurt in pain,
i reinterated what it means to be "cool"
And realised that cool is irrelevant in this mofn situation.

You cant tell me about cool
when I spent months out of work
unable to tell the date and time
when my mind took silly little vacations
without prior notifications at all...
bills pilled up like sinners on judgement day
yeah, i lost my cool...
but that ain no big deal, honey...
it was NOT the biggest thing I lost.

When your mother called me to discuss payment arrangements
And to tell ME how to deal with the situation
~oh,.... there goes another sip...~
If only she'd been there, to tell you how NOT to grab a driver's wheel
UNLESS YOU"RE THE MOTHERFN DRIVER!!!

And so I hadnt heard from you since then... neither have I called you.
And I wont ever do, because if your conscience isnt good enough to force you to act
Then I want nothing from you...


~breathe! Breathe!! BREATHE!!!~

and there, another sip

of ma beefy-brewed drink.
because I'd like to pretend that I'd moved on...
But i hate loosing a friend... and my favourite car... and ma mind... and a pain-free body at 24, and my rehab-lawyer-assessment-free days, all in one night.

Its just something I wasnt expecting...
sorry.
Oh, and happy belated birthday.

Hope exists.

It been said tht your smile opens up to another world.
Like a window, but more than that...
complere oblongated space that leads to inevitable grace
a path, dare I say
A pathway to the beyond thats better than death
Unknown, though ever somehow ever so assuring.

I'd listen to your words when words forget me
And remember where I am, who I be
Who we is.
Us.

Not too many in this pea, baby
Not too many in these parts...

Not too many who speak to me even in their smiles
In the little breaks that barely allows a sigh, you glow
And I see you're not feeling this
Not here
Within yourself costless you got your getaway
And I'd remember your words in times when I've forgotten me...

Your smile.
A gateway to this next world I have no way but to reach
I have no path but to want
To be there with you
Wherever that is that you glow from
That space that you shine through
To wish it here
Your smile.
Gives me hope
That hope itself, is attainable.