The Bang!

Ask anyone who knows me in person, and they would tell you, I Love Fetes!
So it wasnt a suprise that when my friend Tarnia called me to go out with her to a Fete, i jumped it and hailed "YES!"

We went, we had a great time.
GREAT TIME!
They played all the songs i hadnt heard since Mas! They played all the nice Parangs! They played "Jammin down de road!"
yall shoulda seen me, jammin to the beats!
i had a beautiful time!
Whats more?
I met this beautiful brova! HMM!!!
He was delicious! i loved the way he loved the best part of me...
and this may not be easy to get but... i loved what i loved of him, lots.

okay, so i danced with him...
and danced with him...
and danced with....
hmm...

So on our way out the club, I met Malik...
typical 20somn year old black boy tryna see if he can get a sugarmams...
anyway, i checked his fingers, yep! typical! had a cigg' lit up, snuffin carcinogens into MA GODDAMN AIR!
anyway, i was polite
"malik, i'll call you"
"oh,i know you wont"
"Malik" I tugged at the neck of his chest lightly "i ain scared'a you"
he looked at me halfway between scared-shitless and confused. I let go of his shirt, decided to poke his chest with ma index finger instead
"dont you think for ONE SECOND that i have trouble telliung you to FUCK OFF!"
"sorry"24yo man-boy was scared na
"If i wasnt gon call you, i wasnt gon tek your numba"
"okay, well, cuz some girls..."
i gave him a stare. He choked on his words.

"Well, let me give you a ride home"
"I dont need one. I drove"
"okay let me walk you to your car"
"We're right in front'a ma car"
then his strupid cousin opened his marijuana-infested mouth bout
"Dat dere cant be your car, cuz dat dere's ma brejen's car"
"i wouldnt ride in dat, mista. That"... i pointed one car away" is ma car"
"oh okay, sorry"
damn! so dats how the bitch woulda just busted me if i had lied? anyway... he'll get his.
So i get in the car and he(the cousin) gave Malik a lollipop to give to me "Just in case you get stopped" he said. I had told them i was drinking earlier... anyway, i pop'd it in my mouth.

So off Tania and i rode.


WHAT IS MEANT TO BE, WILL BE.
When we left, we were reminiscing on our exciting night. We were so glad we went.
I was driving, Tarnia in the passenger seat.
We were talking... then all of a fucken sudden,
Tarnia yelled something out ... i would have heard what she said if i wasnt so distracted by what she did with her hands next...
Her hands reached for the wheel, and she swerved the wheel left.
I knew she regreted it immediately because she pulled her hands off like the wheels burnt,
"oh shit!" she didnt mean to swerve it that hard.
Keep in mind, we were on the freeway, going 100-120km/h.
Trying to counter her action, i grabbed the wheel and tried to swerve right.
but it was too late.
we were spinning.

They say you see your life flash before your eyes when its your time.
Maybe they were right.
We only span once or thrice, but i swear we were spinning for 5 minutes... long enough for me to ask myself
"Mad Soul, are you wearing your seat belt?"
"Mad Soul, is Tarnia wearing hers?"
I answered yes to myself.
I looked up, to see that we were about to hit the guard rail on the freeway.
I got ready;
"Mad Soul, hold your head up and rigid, hopefully that will decrease the whip lash"
I held my head up stiff and rigid,
Rrrready, Set BANG!
and we were bounced back onto the middle of the freeway, slanted on lane 2 and 3.
I swore to myself... this must be some sort'f movie.

The first thing i felt was the throbe on my head.
i started to cry.
I looked up to get the car started. If a car hits us now, we'll die for sure!
I tried to start it, it wouldnt start. It was too late, the car was rebelling. It wouldnt start.
I looked sideways at Tarnia...
To my suprise, she was laying flat. Her chair had flatened out. The airbags had not deployed.
Thank God the girl that was supposed to come with us didnt come along. If she had, she would be sitting behind Tarnia.
I spoke softly
"why did you do that?"
"You were getting too close to this side, i was scared" i had never heard her so sorry
"Yeah but you should have just told me! i would have reassued you that i knew what i was doing. I was on the right lane for a reason!"
she started to cry. I was done my crying.
A car stopped by us.
"Please dont cry! Please! Please dont! We're alive Tarnia! and i've got full coverage on my insurance!"
But she cried deeper.
I understood her.
She had been here once before.
Back then, it wasnt I that drove. Instead, it was her cousin who was practicing the art of "sleep-driving". Needless to say, they crashed. I had been there before. An ex did thesame once. i was in the passenger seat, he was driving. I fell asleep. He did too... he wouldnt admit that he had fallen asleep too, till a year later. Needless to say, we crashed, ran off the highway, into a ditch. Thank God for the freezing rain, thats what we blamed it on.

Another car stopped. One of them called the popos.
One of them was an off-duty paramedic.
He came to us
"Are you okay?"
"YEs"
"You have to get the car out of the road!"
I tried again, the car moved, i moved to the sie of the highway.
"I am a medic, are you hurt?"
"No, but she might be"
He went over to Tarnia.

I got out of the car, went around it to assess the damages
i started to cry. and i think you would have to understand the love i have for my car, to understand why i cried.
i picked up the broken pieces... lights, and whatever else from the floor, i put them in my car.
We're going to need some major body work. I hope it is fixable.
I went to the front, my glass did notbreak... its cracked. We didnt hit the front, but the pressure must have cracked it.
The cops and paramedics arrived. They took Tarnia to a hospital emerge... shes okay now... We're in some funky pains right na... but physio can fix that i'm sure. I'll go see a chiropractor today..
One of the popos had asked me
"Have you been drinking?"
"Yes, please assess my alcohol level." To maintain my cedibility, i didnt want to lie. Yet i wanted him to check my alcohol blood level so that he would know that i had little to drink.
"okay, i will"
but he never did. I wasnt drunk. I wish i was. So i could leave that miserable moment and drift off to Lala-land where my car is perfect, and my back isnt hurting, and my ear isnt burning and my knee isnt aching and my butt isnt firing. I wish i could drift right into that space where i could be just perfectly normal where i'm not tryna figure out how life can be so funny, yet be so real.

What is meant to be will be.
And for this, i say To God be the Glory.

Bienvenue.

..........................
like i just wanna take a bath
drench ma head in that tub
say fuck ma shower caps
I wanna sit back and just relax and just

breathe it all in and be like
wow
i'm glad
i just feel like...
like i',m home!, you kno like i'm home
and i'm comfortable but not really cuz its
daring to be home
but that there dare is the why i'm here cuz i cant seem to live but on that edge that dares me back here
yaknow?
but,
i'm comfortable, being home.
I'm comfortable being lost and finding maself back here...
i am comfortable seeing what i could be, choosing to be this.
I am, y'know... dare i say (and &*^% whoever dont want to hear it) comfortable being your little figurine of what you cant dare to be

i just wanna take a comb n comb it through cuz
i feel like
i am home.

My Oxtail song

Oh Ox-tail!
How i love thee!

And i love the fact that no one else can make you good enough for meeeee!
I like how you dont battle with your bones, too fuckin grown, just easily let it go!
An ode to oxtail!

And to the God that made this meal for me.

Me, tomorrow.

i just wanna let you know that i am tired.
I am. I meannnn, really am!
i am tired that ihave o wait till you decide to come around. that ihave to wait cuz you got the net to do that i have to wait that you got you a new crew and for some reason you must get familiar with them new bitches so yall can make history.
plain and simply tired of you misunderstanding what i am.

HURRY THE FUCK UP! cuz i am tired'a waitin for you to gimme some dmn life.

As you.

...And if ever you ask, i will tell you. I did not stand up for you. I fought for what i believe was true
....And if you were to be thankful, i would remind you. I fought for what i believe was true.

I did so i wouldnt have to fight for my self. I fought, for my freedom to be preserved. Fought for my speech.