This love has been, since then.

i dont know what i want anymore... but i know i want you.
does that even make sense to you?
a minute ago, i couldnt stand you.
Now at this moment, I want you.
But i know that even then, i loved you.
That has not changed- ever since the flame ignited, this love has been since then.


What do you want to do?
As for me, i'm confused so you tell me.....
What do you want of "this"?

My husband.... does it bother you?

You came and u blended.
BTW, does it bother you when i call you "my husband"?
How could i not? You fear God, you are cute, you are intelligent, you are bold, you are caring, you are feisty, you are strong, you are caring AND you give yourself!
How could i not love you?
Thanks for coming for my nephew's party.
When you came, everyone thought you knew my sis personally- they were suprised to hear that you were only an aqquaintance... you had blended so well!
Still i really want to know... does it bother you when i call you my husband? does it make you feel like i am trying to make you something that you are not?
It is not my intention.

The pursuit of Happyness

I just saw this movie today (thanks to one of the "Mikes")and lawd Jeebzuz! i loved it! i almost cried, i laughed, i lovedddd!
Is that real?
For a man to love his son/daughter that much... enough to give everything and do everything for him, through thick and thin while at thesame time, upholding his belief of a "true father" in the process?
If dats real then maybe i wont mind havin a baby so much...

I am incapable, so i wont

I will be brief, and straight to the point.

I dont want to speak with you.
Not for a while, not for a long, long while.

How dare you call me? Did you think i'd answer?
What were you expecting? a "yessir"?

I am finished for a while.
You remind me of you, and i willllllll nottt! be reminded!

How little could you think me?
You thought me so little, i'm suprised i ever got here!
you thoght me so little, i'm glad i didnt breathe that stagnant belittlin stench in all my life otherwise, what chances could i have had?

I am incapable sir, so i wont.
I am not capable of living the way i should
i am not capable of doing the things you asked and even when i did,
I was not capable of doint it right
I am not capable of being a normal human being
So i wont
I wont even try

I'll set my goals so low, i wouldnt even need to reach to achieve them
I have you to constantly remind me that i cant

But i'd like to know mister man,
what happened the last time you were wrong?

I cry

Today deserves its own post.
Eventful, confusing, silly, joyful,yet so dam fucked up!


Ok, so yes, i've always known how you felt about me... never really had problems with it ( <--- just lied )... but i'm seriously and honestly just tired of hearing it!
What is it that you're going throgh? I'd like to know what you are fuckin thinkin!
What is it that makes you say the things you say; act the way you do, to me?!



Have i ever needed from you before? Okay, maybe i have...
Do you think i ever will need from you again?


When you are gone, i will be there to read a well written letter.. about how much you loved me, and how much i loved you in return.
I will not portray my feelings of you on this day, on that day. I just simply cant! For the sake of respect for the departed, i wont!

Do you know that i love you more than most?
Did you ever know that?
Did that ever matter?
No seriously! DID YOU EVER GIVE A SHIT!???



Back to the memories of your thoughts of me.
Incapability and Mistrusts fills the dreams.
When i am where you never thought i'd be, do you not stand tall and hail me?


I dont need the notes. Dont need the meals. Dont need the dried homely powders thats meant to remind me of the better times, sink ma head in the memories of the better days as you beat ma back with shame! I DONT NEED THIS SHIT like i needed your fate!

Do you know what i am going through? no, do you understand?
WHen i call you to let you know its been received, will you be able to imagine my cries?


You have many more.
I am only one.

Please believe i am not blaming you.
You can only give what you have.
What you didnt have, you could not have given me.
But on the other hand, i must cry.
I have to. Its all i know to deal... to deal.

I cry for your ignorance.
For the fact that you do not see what you do
For the fact that you do not know what is important
For the fact that you never falter in your demeaning ways
Cnsistently though sporadically, i can always count on the fact that you will never believe

I cry because it hurts
It hurts too much for me to explain
But pain is a teacher
Teaches me that this isnt the worst
It gets much more painful

When u hurt, u must treat the cause,
You have caused me too much pain
I cant afford you.

I'll have none with you
But i'll see you at the finish line


***written 12/17/06***

Debra

I am yet to call. I am so sorry. Knowing you have no one, yet not being there. Been so busy being away, that i forgot to be there.
I'll call you tonite.
Love you babes, talk to you real soon...bye.

Waiting for tomorrow

Today is a little less hard, a little more tiring and a lot more confusing.


Tears still flow
Mirrors still strange
Thoughts still loud


Still looking for better days

Goodbye, you had been the one for me

Just here thinking about those days when i use to feel so bored, lonely and sad without a man-
what has happened to me?
For the first time ever, i am not yearning for that contact.
I'm not looking for a man; even though apparently you dont have to search for them, they keep coming regardless.
I was in love with you... so much in love for so long...
now, i dont even feel that kind of "love" anymore.

I miss you. that much is true.
I do miss you- the things we use to do... you'd give to me what i would never give to anyone (including you)
You gave, and you gave,
then you gave some more
and then some


You gave your all
Till nothing remained


I'm sorry i couldnt reciprocate your love


I hope you find someone else who can

... you hold the power honey

Ma dear sista. You know you're ma sista. Known you almost as long as i've known myself... what is it now? about 20 years?

I am so sorry you experienced this.

Sometimes its so hard being a woman.


WHen you are ready to recover, to forgive, to let go
I'll be here



And even now that you are angry, upset and full of regrets
I'm here


I'd like to pray that his prick gets grangenous and falls off
But then God wouldnt fufil my wish
He himself, is a merciful God
even to perverted morrafakaz who really deserve to get castrated
Sterilization is the answer for some niggz
But no...
God wouldnt approve of that




So ya, when you are ready, you know who you are...
I'll be here.
Love you babes.
And like ma girl Aretha done said:



A rose is still a rose
Babygurl, you're still a flower

Microbiology

i'm soooo tired, i have an exam on friday that i dont even know if i'll pass. i feel like i'm just writing it to keep my GPA from diving any deeper- basically, i'm not doing it to pass, but to prevent myself from failing any harder...
sad init?

My recovery

Today, I begin to recover. From all hells that gripped
And all boundaries within
I have come to the point
Where i know i need to breathe
For it is in that
the breath that is,
that joy is.
that peace lives.
If i am alive
and i am still here
Since i can smile
and not constrain myself
Since i can love
And not wonder if it is right
Since i can be
Just be
Since i can live
Then i deserve to be happy.
For as long as i utter breaths
I can possess happiness

My closure. Bye PB

I got over you a long time ago. Months, at the very least. I have managed to move on.
When i did not recognize your messages, it was not out of pretence. It was because you had been deleted. Believe it or not, i did not recognize your address.
Knowing you and the type that you are, you would be too cynical to even believe this. Like i said, you do need a shrink. (i'm serious. this level of suspicion needs a diagnoses).


So here i am thinking... why would you even contact me?
I have said my goodbye.
Its hard, yes i know. Before i could let it go, I had to accept that you were not good for me. That you did for me more bad than good.
and honestly... you did. You were a poison, slowly aggravating my system. Slowly but surely, your love somehow diverged into hatred. (Jealousy is a fukkin beesh!)
Please tell me why?
- why did you let it get to this?
- why did you allow that part of you to take over what took years to build?
- why did you keep your feelings inside, away from where i could have reached and help to untangle your thoughts?
- why did you keep continuously, attacking the one that actually did love you?

You are the reason why...i hate females. The very reason why friendship never quite means the same. You are the reason why I will remian cynical about "friendly" love. You are the very reason why my heart is hurt.
Jealousy is a fuccin poison!
You me dear ~ have lost your soul to that poison.
Your soul has been sold. Where a lovely being use to reside, now lives a tired, angry greedy grinch.
I will not let you infect me.
You became envious of what you once loved. What you once appreciated, became your competition. Unbeknownst to me, I was in some kind of race. Otherwise, I would have ran the other way- ran far from you.
All the 6 or some years of memories, cannot even begin to make up for the disappointment and regret i feel today.
Would it have been better if i remained stagnant?
Would you have prefered that my life became full of the drama and issues that some have become so familiar with?
What would you have preffered???
You began to despice the better qualities in me- what most would give an arm to achieve! I GAVE U TRUTH!!! both in action and words, i gave you truth. consistently, never failing.
From the silly hotdog that cost half a penny to the silly idiot, that took more than a penny from you.
LoL, u didnt want that though.
you wanted an airbrushed version of my words.
you forgot who your friend was. Or is it that your definition of the word "friend" became distorted?
you became really stupid in a lot of ways. You lost contact with control, yet you resisted my assistance to help you gain it back.... why???
Is it because if i had succeeded, then i would have been right?
I hope that even if you didnt learn from me, you learnt from the preceeding consequences.
Experience is the best teacher, honey.
May you live to experience what i did. I hope that God shows you what i felt. And I hope that when he does, you remember me.
Une momento though, I should not forget to thank you.
MERCI BEAUCOUP!!!
for teaching me that people arent always constant.
for teaching me that even when "friends" ask for your "opinions", they do not want it
for teaching me to recognize when my friend's ship has sailed, evolved into that pirate-like burgling ship, so that i may run with the whatever life i have left
Lastly,
please do not contact me. Lets end what has been ended. No need for repetitive closures. Let this be it. Loose my number,MSN address, whatever else. It is only to be used by friends and otherwise, people who must for one reason or another; contact me. You do not fall into the former, nor the latter. I wish you best of luck. Goodbye.

Tireddddd

its 1130. i know i should be gettin ma paper done, or at least plan to go to work. But i cant seem to want to even do anything but sleep! look at me- here typin and i'm dozzin off... aight, i'm off to bed!

WDH ARE U TO JUDGE?!

I CANT STAND BASTIDS!
just upset about marrafokaz who think they own the world because their sexuality is considered"the norm". anyway,.... more tories lata