As I mourn.

There is a prelude to this,
and a prelude to that phase too
and I'm wondering where I am this time
If not somewhere I'd already been.

I dont get it. It doesnt make sense to me. Love ISNT till its reciprocated... aint no one way to it, unless it isnt.
I dont get it.

Here, bleeding tears, wondering just how much longer I'll mourn.
Hell, count it down to the seconds, time me! and I have cried longer than I was with you. If I ever was...

LongeR!
and damn I say it, deeper, than you've loved me.

And that is the part that hurts, that at this moment, you sleep.
You mothafucker.
You. Sleep.

You fucking sleep.

And I mourn.

I curse the day I met you. I wish I hadnt.

I wish...
You were what I wanted you to be. As much as I know, you cant ever be, I fucking want it!

Yet, shes there, sleeping... and am here wondering... when really, it doesnt matter,does it?

You are obviously,
in love.

Remind me

I havent been posting, because theres been so many changes in my life recently...and so many of it, am not happy with and so many of it, I'd rather not remember...

But then I went back to my old posts and remembered just how much I like to write, so I thought why not write again...

I just got in from work...its my first job in 3months and my first day of work.
I had a good time.

What else do I write?... lol
I think that is about it...I have an exam on Monday that I have NOT studied for...and today is Sunday lol... Old habits are hard to break...

Anyway,
peace, love and oreocookies.

My Caribana week just ended :(

Now what am i going to do witht he rest of my summer?

Last thursday, i went to ing and Queens - didnt even stay to find out who won
Friday, went to j'ouvert- the official best party of my summer- water everywhere and then some! why was it still going on when we were leaving at 6am?! was so tired on our way home that me and ma girl had to park at a gas stationt o have a snooze which ended up taking us 2 hours! then i realised i had to run to mas camp to get ma costume!
Saturday- played mas with Toronto Revellers- Debbie Minott's section called Ipadaboologbon aka "The return of the wisdom keepers"
Saturday night- went to Carnival-in-yuh-backyard where some heiffer thiefed ma phone!!!
Sunday- slept, slept, slept. tried to get tickets to Firefete but it was sold out :( ... went to get a new phone instead.

then went to hamilton's carnival yesterday.


THe best caribana ever!

now, whats good for the rest of the summer?

Dont believe a word she sings

Dont let she lie to you
It aint always so good
but i know i couldnt have known better
because i simply, did not know better

Just as she wasnt yours
dont mean your very best friend would be the one
she cant save you, and neither can you, her
And i know i couldnt have known better
same way you cant possibly know better

Divine thinks its time
and you'd think its yours to hold
listening to her serenade you to dream
but her words aint yours
and her stories aint for you
Like Erykah's wasnt mine
and a microphone isnt like he was
yet i claimed he was it
the "love of my life"
shortsighted at 22, how much farther can you really see ?
got pumped, grooved and jammed to "our" song
held faith like it was visible
drank love so hard till i could see it
and he, believed...
but faith dont make real, real does.

So though her voice is groovy and i cant help but jam to the song
I wonder who else is getting fooled at 22

she aint talking about you
it aint always so easy
I am sorry but songs just simply, dont make love.

And i can tell you for sure
that at 25, still the same life just 3 years down that road,
I am still looking for that "love of my life".
And still trying to get him to see
that bestfriends dont always make the best love
and that there is no worse way to keep enslaved
than to surrender all, to let history dictate your current days.

Tarnia

Today, I got a call from the insurance company, and zapped up some hot water a moment after that
Amazing how quickly it is to get that hot once you're reminded.

got myself some water boiled ready to brew ma beefy beans

The case will be closed. Closed today. I was at fault.
"Because it was a one-vehicle accident".
I didnt bother reminding her that it wasnt my fault
that I was not even driving
that I tried to swerve to counter your action
that I, was only trying to do a favour...

And though I hadnt hated you in a while, i got a reminder of that familia aroma.
Sat my mind down ready to sip again.

Relayed back to the memories of your voice, angry though you masked it
Asking me why i was raising my mine
And of mine, unable to hold my cool
I'd forgotten what its like to be cool

because in the 20some days that I was knee-back-arm-fucking mind-hurt in pain,
i reinterated what it means to be "cool"
And realised that cool is irrelevant in this mofn situation.

You cant tell me about cool
when I spent months out of work
unable to tell the date and time
when my mind took silly little vacations
without prior notifications at all...
bills pilled up like sinners on judgement day
yeah, i lost my cool...
but that ain no big deal, honey...
it was NOT the biggest thing I lost.

When your mother called me to discuss payment arrangements
And to tell ME how to deal with the situation
~oh,.... there goes another sip...~
If only she'd been there, to tell you how NOT to grab a driver's wheel
UNLESS YOU"RE THE MOTHERFN DRIVER!!!

And so I hadnt heard from you since then... neither have I called you.
And I wont ever do, because if your conscience isnt good enough to force you to act
Then I want nothing from you...


~breathe! Breathe!! BREATHE!!!~

and there, another sip

of ma beefy-brewed drink.
because I'd like to pretend that I'd moved on...
But i hate loosing a friend... and my favourite car... and ma mind... and a pain-free body at 24, and my rehab-lawyer-assessment-free days, all in one night.

Its just something I wasnt expecting...
sorry.
Oh, and happy belated birthday.

Hope exists.

It been said tht your smile opens up to another world.
Like a window, but more than that...
complere oblongated space that leads to inevitable grace
a path, dare I say
A pathway to the beyond thats better than death
Unknown, though ever somehow ever so assuring.

I'd listen to your words when words forget me
And remember where I am, who I be
Who we is.
Us.

Not too many in this pea, baby
Not too many in these parts...

Not too many who speak to me even in their smiles
In the little breaks that barely allows a sigh, you glow
And I see you're not feeling this
Not here
Within yourself costless you got your getaway
And I'd remember your words in times when I've forgotten me...

Your smile.
A gateway to this next world I have no way but to reach
I have no path but to want
To be there with you
Wherever that is that you glow from
That space that you shine through
To wish it here
Your smile.
Gives me hope
That hope itself, is attainable.

Fat free

Its been a while... and lawd gawd i feel like purging!!!
Like i been full for too long, yknow?
And i wonder if thats why when i look in'a de mirror these days i feel like my midsections growing ever so laterally!
like wtf!~
this ain even fat'f the mind! this shit extended through to ma flippin sides!
i got love handles from not handling my mind like i used to.
Like i know to.
Like i simply, should.

I use to come here, write up, spit it, digest it all till it was disolved...
clearer.
and whatever didnt get clear enough was left there, for me to remember...
to chew up the next day.
Now i feel like a mothafuckin cow...
got three damn stomachs
1.side,
2.middle,
3. anf another fuckin side like one wasnt enough!

I need to redirect myself.
back to those days
when words didnt need to stay
they didnt have time or chance
or place
in me.

they simply were made
and immediately translated to words
and spit right out.

and i was fat free...

just like this.

fat-

fuckin
free.

whew~

Its been ages

I havent posted in so long. Partly because i forgot my password and had no way of retrieving it. And also because I didnt feel like posting. lol.

I'm now back.

yayyy!

Natasja Saad... gone but not forgotten. 1974-2007

Lyrics:
Easy now no need fi(as in for) go down, easy now no need fi go down, rock that run that, this where we from (repeat 2x) Whoop Whoop When you run come around, Cu(z) I kno ur the talk of the town yea (repeat 4x) Easy now no need fi go down Just walk it gently and no break nah bone, Cool end-it-ly, you have a style of your own, Me never kno you saw ya master the saxsaphone cause u sound like the talk of the town yea, imma lock u when u run come around yea, make me wobble, make me whole body bubble, an me no say ya trouble, when ya ready for the double, and n u hit that, no ti-na the mickle (as in nothing in the middle) play with it a lickle(as in little), why you so na tickle im tellin' you to, hit that no ti-na the mickle (as in nothing in the middle) stay with it a lickle(as in little), why you so na tickle im feelin' them (whoop whoop) easy now no need fi go down, easy now no need fi go down, walk it gently and no break nah bone Whoop Whoop When you run come around, Cu(z) I kno ur the talk of the town yea (repeat 4x) Best shown overall, shiny and tall, One touch make a gal climb whoever you are, Brass hat, hatter(as in hotter) than fireball Whoop Whoop! You not small you not lickle(as in little) at all Dat touch, just dip on me mind yea The good feelin dip on rewind yea make me wobble, make me whole body bubble, an me no say ya trouble, when ya ready for the double, and n u hit that, no ti-na the mickle (as in nothing in the middle) play with it a lickle(as in little), why you so na tickle im tellin' you to, hit that no ti-na the mickle (as in nothing in the middle) stay with it a lickle(as in little), why you so na tickle im feelin' them Walk it gently and no break nah bone easy now no need fi go down, easy now no need fi go down, rock that run that, this where we from (repeat 2x) Whoop Whoop When you run come around, Cu(z) I kno ur the talk of the town yea (repeat 8x) http://youtube.com/watch?v=WVGS46oR4Ew


Story:
† RIP Natasja, Danish Reggae Queen †Born in Copenhagen 1974, Natasja grew up listening to her mother's collection of Dennis Brown and Bob Marley Records. This would mark the early steps in a life filled with music. - A life that has become as busy as ever during the past year. Natasja's debut on stage was at the mere age of 13 when she started singing /"dee-jaying" in Copenhagen with local Jamaican soundsystem Sky Juice and was noticed at a concert opening for Macka B and Arriwa Posse, where Mad Professor himself was blown away by her talent. She was ahead of her time alongside with Miss Mukupa and McEmzee introducing raggamuffin to the Danish hip hop community in the early nineties with the group called No Name Requested. During that period the girls did a lot of shows and travelled with artists such as: Queen Latifa, Das EFX, Tribe Called Quest and Massive Attack opened shows for people like Ninja Man, Charlie Chaplin and Lexxus, including a jam session in the studio with UB40. Natasja's talent has impressed many people from the reggae scene, which has led to studio recordings, live performances and press coverage in Jamaica. Unfortunately Natasja suffered serious injuries due to a crash with a racehorse in 1998, during her education to become a professional jockey. The accident slowed her musical career down for a while, but luckily you can't keep a good woman down and soon after she would be pursuing her recording career again... During Summer 2004 she released the 12" 'Cover Me', and later the 7" 'Summercute' followed one year later by her long anticipated debut album 'Release'. Furthermore she has featured on the hit-single 'Cigar' from Denmark's chartbusting dancehall trio Bikstok Røgsystem, and has also recorded with German reggae institution Germaicans on the Rodeo riddim. Additionally she featured on the new album of Africa Unite. Natasja recently stepped up to the super league of reggae and recorded with legends Sly & Robbie in their studio in Jamaica. Furthermore she had legendary studio engineer Bulby do the mixing duties on the forthcoming revised international version of 'Release'. June 24th 2007 she was suddenly taken from us in a horrible car crash in Jamaica.† Rest in Peace, Natasja †Love be with her family and friends, and of course to all her fans, and thanks to those of them who morned early morning June 25th on Islannds Brygge, CPH in Denmark.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=QBo3hMHDGaA

Today, i turn 25.

Happy birthday, to me.


Celebrating a year that has gone. Marred by such events i dare not speak of... that do not deserve space in my memories,...
I
celebrate the end of my 24th year.

And thank God that i have lived long enough to realise
that whatever it is that comes, must move right along.
Everything that comes... must pass.

Thank you lord, for the woman i have become.
And thanks to the world for molding me into this beign.

Forgiven.

Fleeting. So damn randomly...every single minute its one and another new thing. And there're so many minutes in a day.
Watching the world for what you should be. Then you wonder why you destroy yourself so.
You know you cant compete with the wind.
Yet you try. Anyway.

If that isnt the way to killing yourself... building a failing soul,
really... then i dont know what is.

Watching the world for what you should be. So every idea seems so ideal. Your feet unsure you're bound to fall for anything.

You are someone's child. Someone's lord. Yes, he loves you that much. And when its been so long, it gets even longer but all you have to do, is realise that he has always been the type to forgive.

Can you forgive yourself?
Can you look back long enough, to release your soul?

Inhuman.

I saw his pictures today.
On TV. Black folks on the streets in black n white... years ago... before i even was.
Let me tell you something...i dont think they did that for me.
No.
Is it possible to be inhuman enough to be so selfless.
No.
Somehow i know they did it for they; them same folks hol'n up posts, scribbled literatures of short words hoping to speak volumes on cards...
They yell. But words are words.
And sometimes it takes years. For those words to get to their ears.

And i saw that man, standing on that one podium, screaming how he had a dream.
I wonder what he would think if he was to be here, if he'd still dream.
If he'd scream his heart out into the crowd, yelling out dreams of freedom...
And if he did, of what would it be?
Freedom from white gods who hold the keys to the mass's senses, or from the contaminating influences of our time
Freedom from those gun shots chasing the people, or the black knukled shooter's range?
FREEDOM!
from the laws that permits a man to love his child in such disgusting ways, i cant dare to imagine...
freedom.... from a mother that makes her child bear it.
Free...
I tell you. We all want to be free. He wanted to be free. I want to be free.
I would ask if, if he was here. If he was still a dreamer.
And why he'd still dream.

But thats not why i write.
I write to thank him for doing for himself, what he did.
I thank him for doing for us what he did.
I thank you.
For being, inhuman.

Most respected. May your people learn to be inhuman, in ways like yours.

RIP, M.L. King.

Forever

If character makes a man
then let me live till I am no more
and thereafter
in every heart that i once touched.

Hell on earth

And for the longest time i thought i knew Pain
Thought it was the leader of discomfort pack
till i got in the car after physio today
and met the one that i cant even seem to name yet.

It was not pain.
It was another form of hell
that decided to descend
right at my tail bone.

Fire.
Yes, thats what it was.
Fire.