Sleepless in bed.

I have been awake since 4:10 pm yesterday. It is now 1130pm. It is almost another day and my eyes are swollen. My thoughts are racing and my head hurts. Yet everytime I lay to sleep, I am consumed by this fabricated illusion of you inside of me. Please! say it aint so.

Friendship

is.
saying I'll be back, never returning, yet knowing that you'd forgive me.
is.
knowing that distance is never an excuse because you really are, right there.
is.
stopping mid sentence, and knowing that you just "got it".
is.
knowing that you're never alone because someone knows you're alive.
is.
crying alone but knowing that you never have to cry alone.

Friendship is laughter, moans, cries, jokes, and just about everything in between.
It is not knowing why you put up with my shit and me knowing that your shit stinks worse than mine.

Friendship! is what kept me from smacking your face when you said those things to me.
Somehow, i knew it needed to be heard. But it hurts, knowing it comes from you. I'd have to be the truth.

Friendship is telling me you were pregnant, knowing that you'd get kicked out of school, ostracized from the society if I told another soul

Friendship is driving 10 hours, just to be at your birthday dinner. I wouldnt miss it for the world. I would not miss it for a tasty bowl of peppersoup.

Frienship is what makes me want to reconnect back with you 12 years later. Found you on facebook but time has changed us. It is what stops me from deleting you from my friendslist though we dont even talk anymore.

Friendship is starting a story, saying BRB and calling you 3 months later to continue right where we left off. It is not having to catch up, because we just know neither one of us ever did change.

Friendship is that thing that keeps akward moments out. So I dont ask "are you okay", i know you are not... and you know my anger gets the best of me...hence why I had my foot in his face, thumping on him the next moment I could recall. Hey, it was worth it... he deserved every spit in the face.

Friendship is not having to lie that I had messed up. It is knowing that regardless, you'd tell me "its okay".

Frienship is the residue you leave in my mouth when you tell me you dont love him anymore, ... he is boring you to death, but you dont know what to do.

Friendship is that little thing you work on right next to the photocopier as you say a little prayer to God asking him to guide me at work.

Friendship they say, knows no boundaries but neither is it forever. So it is what makes me appreciate the times we spent together and the memories even though you eventually, betrayed me.

Friendship, is knowing that we are so different, but going out with you just to share the little things we have in common.

Friendship is not cursing your dad out when he said stupid things to me. You done know no other man could'a gotten away with that kind sht talk, right? I let it slide, because'a you.

FRIENDSHIP! is what keeps me going, remembering that we have an appointment to meet at the finish line in a few years from now. It is the motivation that you give me, and not ever wanting it to go to waste.

Friendship is me still owing you a grand to date. I had been so sick and out of work and you paid my rent for a month...Haha! I'll be sure to pay it back this summer, i promise lol.

Friendship is the "i miss you"s that escapes your lips before the "no homo"s... yet you turn around and tell me "i wanro torsh ur boobies"... it is what makes me accept your ever so contradictory opinions. I love you, just like that.

I wanted to leave a note. A reminder, yeah. That no matter what happens, am glad that God let your ship sail to me.

You.

I hope you someday,get to see this
But i didnt want to tell you it
You dont deserve a word from me
Instead, you may read it here

Because somewhere along the line,
you forgot that you are not the only one with feelings.

It isnt my fault that you're late.
It is yours.
But if i continue to let you hurt my feelings
It'd be mine.

Thanks.

Doubting in secret.

Its one of those times when I dont want pity
I wAnt fixing.
Ever made one of those mistakes that you dont even know if you can ever get to fix?
I dont even want to call it a mistake.
That sounds like an excuse.
i want to call it
"an-occurence-that-i'd-like-to-fix-regardless-if-i-deserve-this-chance-or-not"
Because to tell you that it was a mistake maybe to tell you that i deserve this chance
but see, i dont even care.
I just want to fix it.
I was thesame one, who just a few years ago, I did this.
Yet I am back, wondering If I can get a chance to do it again, differently.

How would fate trust me?

That this time, I'd be smarter to fix this.

Yet i say, though its harder to run while you're down,..."I'd like to fix this"

Because I've worked so hard.
Not hard enough, maybe.
But hard.

I got in from work today, and cried.
It dawned on me that I am racing against odds.
Wondering about it made me realize
I cannot continue like this.
Something has got to give, yet, I have no idea what to do.

I know I say it is well
But I see better at night.
After coming in from work, with stacks of these processed trees in my hand, Deadlines knocking on my mind...I realize just how much I need help.

Was this my mistake?
Did I take the wrong steps?
Was it something I could have controlled?

I have no clue.
I feel terribly hopeless.
How do you pray to God?
When farther beyond your point of fate,
You secretly, doubt that this mountain will move.

Miss Chika, goodbye love.

So i went to do my blogrounds only to find that my longtime (almost for as long as I've been a blogger) blog-friend is gone.


This is the message I got when I tried to check your blog:

"Blog has been removed

Sorry, the blog at misschika.blogspot.com has been removed. This address is not available for new blogs."

Did something happen while I was MIA?
Chika?
WHere fort art thou?

omg YOU mean so much to me.
And like I say, Chika, you remind me of me.

Though we've never met, I appreciate that I ever knew your words, your space, whatever it was that i ended up knowing to be you.

Hoping this is not goodbye...see you on yahoo.


With tears in my eyes,
Mad Soul.



UPDATE:

so i just got a chance to communicate with Chika
and apparently, she is STILL HERE: http://www.misschika2.blogspot.com/


whew! thank God lol

Why not here?

I find myself thinking about you.
Intermittently.
And though I do, I still feel like I am within myself.
No loss here, no...blind walks, nothing like that nostalgic feeling of wanting the future today wrapped up in this moment's creamy coating,...nothing...like that.
I seriously do not feel blind.
I dont feel lost.
I dont find myself muttering your name in my dream as I resurface back to real
i dont miss my steps in thoughts of you, I do not...feel madly in love.

I feel something far from it, but remotely close enough.
Ever had a fall but had a faint prelude where you'd lost your balance yet, you could'a still held on if only you had not tripped that hard?
Ever?
Never?

This isnt what it feels like to be in love.

This is what it feels like to know that it is on its way.

And I will tell you now, I am not that scared.
Something tells me that though there is a reason to be afraid, I will never be able to love that easily again.

Hence why I picked up the phone...called another man...found myself doing...things I'd never do.

Stories of a damaged heart vessel.
in a diary of a misplaced love.
They say these things dont come back.
But you can train a heart to somehow, live again.

So no.
This isnt what it is like to be in love.
I know what it is like.

I cant ever feel that. I wont ever feel that.
Knowing I'd end up back here.

Problem is, I am here.
While you, are there.
One of us, is in the wrong place.

-------------- <3

3 Men.

Never once did he tell me when, so can i ever claim that he was dishonest?
He said he'd call.
And like that, a timeless plan was issued, and if he was to call 30 years from now, it'd still be that; a plan, fufilled.
Yes, a plan it is.
Because how dare I call it a promise?
Was it ever owed? Or...
'he ever owed to me?

But see, this one here, made a date. Set a time. Told me when. All I had to do, was live till then.
Then came the time.
There went the time.
Now that, was a promise, missed.
Yes, it was owed.
He told me it.
"I'll call you tomorrow", he'd said.

And him. But see, by this time, I'd learnt that words are sometimes spoken a little too soon. Somehow, sooner than their worth can be learnt and often, we never even quite get there.
Sad, is it not?
That we may never get there.
I did believe him.
But since he was not the first.
And since he was not the second.
Something told me he may not be the last.
And for that reason, I'd better not vex.
I simply accepted it.
Pretended it never did happen.
And moved on to the next day.
Eventually, he called.

And of these, I am still waiting, for one more call.
Just so, I can pick up the call, and tell him that someone else had actually called back, sooner.

Two days ago, I turned 26.

And as my 25th year had brought me just about the worst trials,
It just may've been my year of blessings...
these things, supposedly dont come in pretty packages
And this one, surely didnt.

I was out of school
I felt like a failure
I was in love
Unrequited, at that.
I had to let go
He had.
She, had not.
He didnt.
I was back and forth
With a man who just would not, let me go
But triangles arent circles
And all its three corners just did not work
Too tight... too this...too that...we just didnt work
I restarted school. Or was it that school restarted me?
Not exactly sure.
But am here now... and loving what life has forgiven me...in my 25th year.

And this circle
is approximating
closing in on me
and somehow, i feel some warmth
and i realize that dreaming
even to oneself
is valid.
And all dreams,
even in the funniest ways,
become reality.
And that prayers
are in thoughts
and in words
and in wishes
and much more so,
in dreams.
And i thank God
for the new additions
the old subractions
and the stagnant loves...
and that he/she/it did not wait
for me to utter words
but simply did
give me the best gift for my 26th year...

Now, I am 26.
And that much wiser.
And that much calmer.
And that much... more... understanding.
That everything, passes.
And love, forgives.
And love, forgives.
And people... please understand...that love, forgives.
And it forgives.
And i have forgiven.
And she has forgiven.
And i have been forgiven.
And this resilient thing
that prompts me to love again
somehow finds ways to wake me up
just in time
to realize
that the best gift ever,
was at the times I had been low
Aint nothing sweeter
than to see the hill from the valley.
I see it.
I do... "feel" it.
Well enough to want to try...
Well enough to want to climb...


Well enough to start over...now.

Thank you Lord.
Thank you, ever so much.
Ever, ever so much.
I am blessed.