I'm in trouble

what am i going to do?
God! i need deliverance

i just want to rest

i just want to cry
so my body can bundle up this mess,
package it
and seep it out through tears
i just wanna sigh
hoping the air i release
will hold that venom that worries me

i just want
just want to
i just want to SHOUT!

To...
just scream out all this stress
so it wont dominate me
i just want to rest
so i wont have to bother with all the bullshit

i really dont know what you came here for

round and around we go
consider your bags outside the door
round and around we go...


that song brings back memories
anyway, gn

I have a new wifey

lol i think i'm a lesbian
because everytime i see her, my heart skips a bit
so i told my doctor
and he suggested i get a pacemaker
so that i dont get a heart attack
so ya, the point of the story is
i need a pace maker
because i am now an e-lesbi
its the new kind of e-sexual-orientation
we no be elesbos
we no be estraights
we be elesbis

lmao i must be bored out my mind
and if you're reading this, then you sho have a lotta time on ur hands lmao
never mind
i dey go bed now
tata

its been noted

by yours truly
that you are here.
you're not welcome. so por favor, vamoose accordingly...
thanks

Destiny is there

sometimes you know where you'll end up even before you get there
yet you try everything to get away from there
and everything you do to divert from "there"
seems to be yet another pathway there
and you just keep wishing you were on your way somewhere;
anywhere else
but whenever you blink, you see yourself closer
and closer to
"there"
i am almost there
i see you are too...

Its been a while

Oh wow! i've been away for so long.
so much to blog about
i'll be back next week

My closure with a heiffer called "Denial"

Praya for the heiffer tuesday came a day early this week, enjoy:

Denial,
You must be allergic to the truth
Because even she couldnt get you to see it
and even if you saw it
you found it necessary
that you must open ur mouth
or is it ur hands?
or maybe even ur thighs...
and spill whatever garbage you seemed fit enough to
make me sound or look wrong in hopes that that
will make you look right
or is it,..
feel better
Do you feel better now?

but just like a feeling is a feeling is a feeling,
what is wrong is also, what is wrong is wrong is wrong

and boy oh boy,
were you ever wrong!
and as blind as a stray dog,
neither could you find your way to the right path

i know you're allergic to the truth
but i hope this here, "truth" is hypoallergenic enough for you

get you some epinephrine babygurl
because you about to get a full dose of the allegen...

you were wrong and even your shadow would tell you it
wrong enough that you felt the need to act wronged,
play the victim, hopin ur audience would eat that shit up,gulp dat potion, get all empathetic, believe your acts, and maybe,... get u sum brownie points for havin been thru it
Wrong enough that you felt it necessary to divert attention from the point of the issues... plain and simply that you were wrong
Wrong enough that you decided to take a stance in a spot where you really didnt belong. (now for the record, your point of view dont matter, but i guess i thought you were true enough to be at least honest... i realise now, than you cant expect honesty from an imposter. so i must ask myself what i really was thinkin).
Would you dare share with the audience what the truth is? Tell them what the story is? Can you bear their responses?
i'd dare you to share but then, whats a dare to a pussy but a total waste of time?
cuz i sho as hell ain lookin forward to watchin a pussy ejaculate pure lies!

You ignorant coward
how could you?
i guess thats "how" you "could"
must'a been easy for you since a coward ain got no spine.
You're one'a dem spineless excuses for humanbeings i've heard so much about!
You ridiculous waste of motherfuckin matter,
you ought to be ashamed of yourself!

you were wrong
and oh how i regret
that my liver just wasnt good enough to make ma right arm do it
smack u right across yo face till i felt we were even
that ma voice failed me
told you the honest truth about you till it made you bleed
that i wasnt assertive enough to tell you to...
Get the fuk out and simply, go screw yourself
for takin for granted
what i'd hardly give
you ungrateful insensitive selfish bitch!


because truly, who can fukin judge me?
you?
or maybe...
your incredibly superficial posse?
lmao!


If i had continued to smile
pretended that i was not bothered
acted like a true airhead like the resta dem and sucked all ur shit up,
you would have been happier.
BUT I AIN ur shadow
I SPEAK TRUTHS regardless!
if you'd like to commit suicide over it,
(then may i suggest using a gun and shooting ur leg first?
i hear its quite easier to die from massive blood loss :)
kill urself all u want, Denial
because this fountain will never stop spillin
what it knows to be true
and that simply is that; you were wrong
and you still are wrong
so surround urself with all the lies you can
cushion urself up in those imaginary clouds
and sip on that fake colada
for as long as you fail to see the truth
all you do and see will be just that;
fake as fuk

Your "friendship" is easy to maintain
all i'd have to do is just
be like the rest of them and simply,
shut the fuk up and pretended it was "kool"
but i am sorry because unlike the rest of them,
i ain no zombie.


So let this be the closure, Denial
this here, is my last letter to you after which,
you are forgiven
only because i know forgiveness is the only way to freedom
from boundages of regrets and wrongs
because i'd like to move on, Denial... So...!
fake up whatever u wanna shit up
shit up whatever you wanna fake up
nauseate urself till you get emetic all you want!
and spit with that your tattle taling tongue,
whatever fecal matter you damn well please
because ...
i have concluded the story of you
your chapter is now closed and...
the truth remains yet still, that...

YOU

WERE

WRONG

(period!)


In less than but a lil while of knowing you,
i learnt a whole lot of lessons
and hope that i can put them
into use later
for these lessons, i MUST say
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and fuk u to everlasting
with ma hard gijangic humongous imaginary dick ;)

You aint worth the relapse

u didnt shut ma door
ur ignorant mothafukin no-sense- judgemental as hell paranoid as shit ass,
didnt shut ma door

matter'fact,
i should'a beaten u down for not shuttin ma door

but instead,
i got up from ma warm fluffy bed,
inconvinienced maself
staggered across ma room
and gently,
shut ma door
because i figured...

you ain exactly worth the relapse

and i'da gone after you
but like i said

you ain exactly worth the replapse

so i got back inna me bed, and quietly, retuned to ma dreams

My Only Miracle by Christina fo'eleven Brown

this piece (i stole from youtube)
is dedicated...
to ma grandma
the birth of ma mother
ad to anyone thats ever benefited fromt he products of vaginas

to me
to ma sisters
to their strenghts
and to sisterly bond
though turbulent
our times are blessed
love u ma
love yall to pieces
and then sum
mmmmwahhh!

Happy International Women's day!

To all the females i have ever met
to all the ones that might or couldve influenced me
to the ones oted in history
and the ones history managed to simply "by pass"
to all the ones i had been friends with
to the ones i am yet to meet
to the ones that destiny wont permit our meetings
and most importantly
to ma mother,
ma sisters,
ma cousins,
ma aunts
and ma grandmothers



HAPPY international women's day!!!
and dont forget,

its one thing to have a vagina
its another to be a woman

ejoy and marinate in this day
for it surely is dedicated to u

lmao u're such a joke!

u silly goose!
lmaooooo
u actually thought i'd call u back?
lmfao! u must be outchogaddemind!


so one'a dem called to ask if i called u
since it was ur b-day and all
so i asked her...


"um,... why in the name of reecespieces would i call a person who didnt call ME on MY bday?... are they ny more important than i am? "
"no... " giggles
"so wtf are u askin me such a dum qn then?"
"..." giggles


u ain nothin but a thing
a mere "thing"
i'm ur gratest accomplishment but u are being too much of a "thing" to recognise a queen.


u're such a joke.
cant wait till u call me to ask me why i havent called you...

You're an idiot

yes u are
u say one thing and then another
u mean one thing but say the other
ur words stink worse than a pig's breath

i dont like you
neither do i love u


u're in for worse than u thought


get ready for the drama cuz
it sho will be tough

oh ya ... lest i forget...


fuk u kindly

This was foreshadowed

my last post ended with
"i sense drama"


well, drama did happen
not quite what i expected but someone managed to fuk themselves up



and it definitely aint meeeee

I see it comin......

Tiredd... just got home from work.
Was supposed to go to TallGirlSlim's house so she could help me with my hair but the heiffer slept off so... here i am at home, tired but too tired to sleep (ever had this?), ...
so i thought to blog


At this moment, life is funny
i'm getting these feelings i never thought i'd ever get
about ma man,
about ma career
about school
about ... (mmm i got nothin lol)

anyway
and i'm really screwin up at school big time
i havent steped foot in school in ___ weeks
(seriously)
ad somehow i have (pls note the word "have" ) to get at least a GPA 3.0 (at least o!)


idk
i'm fuckin up
big time

and i'll know this shit will mek me cry latah


btw-
i think i kinda sorta wanro cheat on ma man


this is silly; i kno
i mean who plans to cheat?
but i think i do
theres somethin i want that i'm not getting from him
something he'd give me if he had
but lacks
and i want that thing

its a quality i adore in men
and if the devil really wants to be devilish
he'd sed me a man who is just like ma man (well, a darker version), BUT with that one quality that ma man lacks,...
i wouldnt be able to resist...


i feel drama comin

I have peace

i do.
so now i can hopefully sleep

Ma first love

Sometimes i really cant help the memories
comes knockin on ma mind, seepin thru the cracks i sealed
all those things i really want hidden
those bugs in ma bed
the
tugs in ma shirts
all tha
rubs on ma breasts
even before they ever were

Who made this life so?
fuck lard i dnt even know where to start


I wanted to tell
I'da loved to tell you

so maybe you could'a clarified for me
told me it wasnt sane
told me it wasnt right
told me i had done right

I held it in
really didnt know what else to do

You were there when you were there which in ma tiny eyes really wasnt but a short while so when u were there i wanted the moments where we could play so i could store in ma head for those times that you werent there...
You were there though you were not there like you were only there to lay your head and like all other fools out there you were there to make it seem like you were there but really, you really were truly nowhere to be found

I wanted to tell you and ask you if i was still a virgin in your eyes
Or if this meant i was as dirty as i felt
i was wanting from you or any godam person out there what it was that i felt and what it was that i could do to cure ma nightmare but...
you wasnt there

did this mean i was more special to *** i mean did we have anymore connections? did we? did we? was this ma first love? tell me...

ma best friend wasnt there
we had about 9 years invested in this tight frienship but yet you wasnt there

and i am sorry that you wanst there

for as you wasnt someone else taught me what love was
taught me what fear was in love and that fear was love and as fearful as a little person can be i was that much in love but this love was unforgiveable unspeakable unattainable uncurable it was forbiden never been heard of love that really should never have come that type love like.... love was wrong love
i whould never have loved like i did
and that love should bnever had been
and that love should never repeat
but i know it happens and i still live it
and even in ma freams i
never thought it'd be real and
days and days and years and uncountable moments i was so sure this wasnt real i mean...

hadtabe a dream

tomorrow i might wake up knowing it was a dream but dreams dont hurt...
and i am hurt
not because the ohysical pain, no there wasnt no painful thrusts
and the rubs were not painful enough for me to trust
this hurt isnt from painful fists or tugs at ma skin
this hurt streams from years of confuion
years of uncertainty
years of durt that never washes away in the tub
years of years of feelin insecured
even before i knew what insecurity was
years of not knowing
what this meant
and after those years,
years of knowing what it meant
and more hurts yet still
nurtin from knowin it came from ***
burting from knowing *** thinks i forgot
and hurting from wonderin if its been redone
i mean i done grownup
but victims live in abundance
did u find a new love?
i still hurt everytime i fantasize
u remain in ma fantasies though i hate to see u there
i want to be freed
it hurts to remain impreisoned
u gave me a life sentence
took from me what u didnt own


i kno this love was unreal
because i never seen this love replayed i
never seen be the norm how
can u explain to me this dream i lived
how could i love like this?

"Jdfgst rh ajd"


i know that now
but u didnt teach me it

i really wish u were there

please tell me you were sorry
so i can see if i can forgive
and hopefully too,
forgive ma ***

Def Jam Poetry - Thea Monyee

lol i didnt like the idea behind the poetry, but i loved the poetry itself! funny

... i hear the wedding bells already... Midget weds Giant,,,

Its Benil's parry, and i have decided to invite...
Tall Girl Slim (actually i didnt exactly invite her... BeniL herself did)
and the jokest part of this is...
i also invited TallGirlSlim's biggest crush.

U see,
the issues isnt the fact that i invited her crush
the issues is that her crush is at least a whole foot SHORTER than her,
and about TWO FEET shorter than her when she wears heels (which she practically wears everyday BTW)


oh lawd! i'm so fuckin cute with these lil things i do!
I'm CUPID OF THE YEARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
ICANT WAit to watch him tryna dance wid her!
lmao stay tuned!...
tori lata

Bi-Racial Hair

I"M NOT A FUCKIN COOKIE! Ma ancestors picked cotton too!

Dear Son by Zora

makes me cry everytime... reminds me of Sunny's Pattersons' "what are they fighting for"... i'll post that a lil later

Should i go? Should i stay?

i dont know...