"I was here"... Madsoul, signing out.

It is no coincidence that the wall paper is navy... blue.
No coincidence that these posts reek of anger.
No coincidence that I exclaim excessively.
And it sure is no coincidence, that I am named, Mad.
Though my Soul remained, I was Mad, nonetheless.

This space, was created for that sole purpose; to express my madness. In some ways, it may be seen as a space for expression. I know better now, that it was created, to ask for some sort of assistance. Who from? Certainly not from readers. (Was it?) Where then, from? From within? Was I asking to be saved from myself, by myself?
Who knows?

But of course, hindsight is always 40/20. Hence why now, I know that this space was no coincidence. It was created, by the depressed person that I was, who had no idea what it meant to be "taken over". This person that I was, had no idea what it meant to be sad. This person, that I was... had just begun a journey into a different depth of understanding.

Ahhhh. Now I know.

...and with the riddle solved, and the orange eaten, I simply feel no need for the peel.

The circle is now complete. I have regained control over myself, and my mind.

For all the people I have met through this avenue be it directly or indirectly, bless you all.

Please remember:
Keep control of your mind. Without the mind, the body, is but an empty vessel. Exercise your mind. Just as you would not eat feces, do not let dirty thoughts, cross your mind. Love yourself. If it isnt easy, FORCE it. Let negative people out of your life (I've learnt from experience. Learn from mine.)... and find someone to trust, to speak your troubles to. Lastly, KNOW that when the light is dim and the windows are shut, regardless how often you've sinned, there is always your God waiting to listen, and forgive.


Goodnight, and goodbye.

My story with PB... concluded.

The story started here:

http://diaryofamadsoulsista.blogspot.com/2006/12/my-closure-bye-pb.html

So, it'd been over 3 years since we spoke but in January, we resumed our friendship or whatever is left of it anyway.

I wont get into the details, but from this experience, I have learnt that


1. where there is smoke, there is fire
2. Ountogaju, aawaa dero (whatever goes up, must come down)
3. There are no secrets in this world, neither are there mysteries. Just stories, waiting to be told.
4. A friend is only a friend for as long as she is friendly. Take it as that. Leave it, if that ship refuses to sail on good intentions.
5. Keep your enemies close, and your friends even closer.
6. Even friends, have flaws and that is okay. We are all humans. BUT Know what your friends flaws are!!! ..., before you get disappointed.
7. Assess both ends of an argument and never conclude, till you've heard each parties' stories.
8. Forgive! Forgive!! Forgive!!! (Really, it is not up to you to forgive. You simply must forgive, to survive the whole ordeal)
9. Let go, and let God.
10. It is well.

Sleepless in bed.

I have been awake since 4:10 pm yesterday. It is now 1130pm. It is almost another day and my eyes are swollen. My thoughts are racing and my head hurts. Yet everytime I lay to sleep, I am consumed by this fabricated illusion of you inside of me. Please! say it aint so.

Friendship

is.
saying I'll be back, never returning, yet knowing that you'd forgive me.
is.
knowing that distance is never an excuse because you really are, right there.
is.
stopping mid sentence, and knowing that you just "got it".
is.
knowing that you're never alone because someone knows you're alive.
is.
crying alone but knowing that you never have to cry alone.

Friendship is laughter, moans, cries, jokes, and just about everything in between.
It is not knowing why you put up with my shit and me knowing that your shit stinks worse than mine.

Friendship! is what kept me from smacking your face when you said those things to me.
Somehow, i knew it needed to be heard. But it hurts, knowing it comes from you. I'd have to be the truth.

Friendship is telling me you were pregnant, knowing that you'd get kicked out of school, ostracized from the society if I told another soul

Friendship is driving 10 hours, just to be at your birthday dinner. I wouldnt miss it for the world. I would not miss it for a tasty bowl of peppersoup.

Frienship is what makes me want to reconnect back with you 12 years later. Found you on facebook but time has changed us. It is what stops me from deleting you from my friendslist though we dont even talk anymore.

Friendship is starting a story, saying BRB and calling you 3 months later to continue right where we left off. It is not having to catch up, because we just know neither one of us ever did change.

Friendship is that thing that keeps akward moments out. So I dont ask "are you okay", i know you are not... and you know my anger gets the best of me...hence why I had my foot in his face, thumping on him the next moment I could recall. Hey, it was worth it... he deserved every spit in the face.

Friendship is not having to lie that I had messed up. It is knowing that regardless, you'd tell me "its okay".

Frienship is the residue you leave in my mouth when you tell me you dont love him anymore, ... he is boring you to death, but you dont know what to do.

Friendship is that little thing you work on right next to the photocopier as you say a little prayer to God asking him to guide me at work.

Friendship they say, knows no boundaries but neither is it forever. So it is what makes me appreciate the times we spent together and the memories even though you eventually, betrayed me.

Friendship, is knowing that we are so different, but going out with you just to share the little things we have in common.

Friendship is not cursing your dad out when he said stupid things to me. You done know no other man could'a gotten away with that kind sht talk, right? I let it slide, because'a you.

FRIENDSHIP! is what keeps me going, remembering that we have an appointment to meet at the finish line in a few years from now. It is the motivation that you give me, and not ever wanting it to go to waste.

Friendship is me still owing you a grand to date. I had been so sick and out of work and you paid my rent for a month...Haha! I'll be sure to pay it back this summer, i promise lol.

Friendship is the "i miss you"s that escapes your lips before the "no homo"s... yet you turn around and tell me "i wanro torsh ur boobies"... it is what makes me accept your ever so contradictory opinions. I love you, just like that.

I wanted to leave a note. A reminder, yeah. That no matter what happens, am glad that God let your ship sail to me.

You.

I hope you someday,get to see this
But i didnt want to tell you it
You dont deserve a word from me
Instead, you may read it here

Because somewhere along the line,
you forgot that you are not the only one with feelings.

It isnt my fault that you're late.
It is yours.
But if i continue to let you hurt my feelings
It'd be mine.

Thanks.

Doubting in secret.

Its one of those times when I dont want pity
I wAnt fixing.
Ever made one of those mistakes that you dont even know if you can ever get to fix?
I dont even want to call it a mistake.
That sounds like an excuse.
i want to call it
"an-occurence-that-i'd-like-to-fix-regardless-if-i-deserve-this-chance-or-not"
Because to tell you that it was a mistake maybe to tell you that i deserve this chance
but see, i dont even care.
I just want to fix it.
I was thesame one, who just a few years ago, I did this.
Yet I am back, wondering If I can get a chance to do it again, differently.

How would fate trust me?

That this time, I'd be smarter to fix this.

Yet i say, though its harder to run while you're down,..."I'd like to fix this"

Because I've worked so hard.
Not hard enough, maybe.
But hard.

I got in from work today, and cried.
It dawned on me that I am racing against odds.
Wondering about it made me realize
I cannot continue like this.
Something has got to give, yet, I have no idea what to do.

I know I say it is well
But I see better at night.
After coming in from work, with stacks of these processed trees in my hand, Deadlines knocking on my mind...I realize just how much I need help.

Was this my mistake?
Did I take the wrong steps?
Was it something I could have controlled?

I have no clue.
I feel terribly hopeless.
How do you pray to God?
When farther beyond your point of fate,
You secretly, doubt that this mountain will move.

Miss Chika, goodbye love.

So i went to do my blogrounds only to find that my longtime (almost for as long as I've been a blogger) blog-friend is gone.


This is the message I got when I tried to check your blog:

"Blog has been removed

Sorry, the blog at misschika.blogspot.com has been removed. This address is not available for new blogs."

Did something happen while I was MIA?
Chika?
WHere fort art thou?

omg YOU mean so much to me.
And like I say, Chika, you remind me of me.

Though we've never met, I appreciate that I ever knew your words, your space, whatever it was that i ended up knowing to be you.

Hoping this is not goodbye...see you on yahoo.


With tears in my eyes,
Mad Soul.



UPDATE:

so i just got a chance to communicate with Chika
and apparently, she is STILL HERE: http://www.misschika2.blogspot.com/


whew! thank God lol

Why not here?

I find myself thinking about you.
Intermittently.
And though I do, I still feel like I am within myself.
No loss here, no...blind walks, nothing like that nostalgic feeling of wanting the future today wrapped up in this moment's creamy coating,...nothing...like that.
I seriously do not feel blind.
I dont feel lost.
I dont find myself muttering your name in my dream as I resurface back to real
i dont miss my steps in thoughts of you, I do not...feel madly in love.

I feel something far from it, but remotely close enough.
Ever had a fall but had a faint prelude where you'd lost your balance yet, you could'a still held on if only you had not tripped that hard?
Ever?
Never?

This isnt what it feels like to be in love.

This is what it feels like to know that it is on its way.

And I will tell you now, I am not that scared.
Something tells me that though there is a reason to be afraid, I will never be able to love that easily again.

Hence why I picked up the phone...called another man...found myself doing...things I'd never do.

Stories of a damaged heart vessel.
in a diary of a misplaced love.
They say these things dont come back.
But you can train a heart to somehow, live again.

So no.
This isnt what it is like to be in love.
I know what it is like.

I cant ever feel that. I wont ever feel that.
Knowing I'd end up back here.

Problem is, I am here.
While you, are there.
One of us, is in the wrong place.

-------------- <3

3 Men.

Never once did he tell me when, so can i ever claim that he was dishonest?
He said he'd call.
And like that, a timeless plan was issued, and if he was to call 30 years from now, it'd still be that; a plan, fufilled.
Yes, a plan it is.
Because how dare I call it a promise?
Was it ever owed? Or...
'he ever owed to me?

But see, this one here, made a date. Set a time. Told me when. All I had to do, was live till then.
Then came the time.
There went the time.
Now that, was a promise, missed.
Yes, it was owed.
He told me it.
"I'll call you tomorrow", he'd said.

And him. But see, by this time, I'd learnt that words are sometimes spoken a little too soon. Somehow, sooner than their worth can be learnt and often, we never even quite get there.
Sad, is it not?
That we may never get there.
I did believe him.
But since he was not the first.
And since he was not the second.
Something told me he may not be the last.
And for that reason, I'd better not vex.
I simply accepted it.
Pretended it never did happen.
And moved on to the next day.
Eventually, he called.

And of these, I am still waiting, for one more call.
Just so, I can pick up the call, and tell him that someone else had actually called back, sooner.

Two days ago, I turned 26.

And as my 25th year had brought me just about the worst trials,
It just may've been my year of blessings...
these things, supposedly dont come in pretty packages
And this one, surely didnt.

I was out of school
I felt like a failure
I was in love
Unrequited, at that.
I had to let go
He had.
She, had not.
He didnt.
I was back and forth
With a man who just would not, let me go
But triangles arent circles
And all its three corners just did not work
Too tight... too this...too that...we just didnt work
I restarted school. Or was it that school restarted me?
Not exactly sure.
But am here now... and loving what life has forgiven me...in my 25th year.

And this circle
is approximating
closing in on me
and somehow, i feel some warmth
and i realize that dreaming
even to oneself
is valid.
And all dreams,
even in the funniest ways,
become reality.
And that prayers
are in thoughts
and in words
and in wishes
and much more so,
in dreams.
And i thank God
for the new additions
the old subractions
and the stagnant loves...
and that he/she/it did not wait
for me to utter words
but simply did
give me the best gift for my 26th year...

Now, I am 26.
And that much wiser.
And that much calmer.
And that much... more... understanding.
That everything, passes.
And love, forgives.
And love, forgives.
And people... please understand...that love, forgives.
And it forgives.
And i have forgiven.
And she has forgiven.
And i have been forgiven.
And this resilient thing
that prompts me to love again
somehow finds ways to wake me up
just in time
to realize
that the best gift ever,
was at the times I had been low
Aint nothing sweeter
than to see the hill from the valley.
I see it.
I do... "feel" it.
Well enough to want to try...
Well enough to want to climb...


Well enough to start over...now.

Thank you Lord.
Thank you, ever so much.
Ever, ever so much.
I am blessed.

As I mourn.

There is a prelude to this,
and a prelude to that phase too
and I'm wondering where I am this time
If not somewhere I'd already been.

I dont get it. It doesnt make sense to me. Love ISNT till its reciprocated... aint no one way to it, unless it isnt.
I dont get it.

Here, bleeding tears, wondering just how much longer I'll mourn.
Hell, count it down to the seconds, time me! and I have cried longer than I was with you. If I ever was...

LongeR!
and damn I say it, deeper, than you've loved me.

And that is the part that hurts, that at this moment, you sleep.
You mothafucker.
You. Sleep.

You fucking sleep.

And I mourn.

I curse the day I met you. I wish I hadnt.

I wish...
You were what I wanted you to be. As much as I know, you cant ever be, I fucking want it!

Yet, shes there, sleeping... and am here wondering... when really, it doesnt matter,does it?

You are obviously,
in love.

Remind me

I havent been posting, because theres been so many changes in my life recently...and so many of it, am not happy with and so many of it, I'd rather not remember...

But then I went back to my old posts and remembered just how much I like to write, so I thought why not write again...

I just got in from work...its my first job in 3months and my first day of work.
I had a good time.

What else do I write?... lol
I think that is about it...I have an exam on Monday that I have NOT studied for...and today is Sunday lol... Old habits are hard to break...

Anyway,
peace, love and oreocookies.

My Caribana week just ended :(

Now what am i going to do witht he rest of my summer?

Last thursday, i went to ing and Queens - didnt even stay to find out who won
Friday, went to j'ouvert- the official best party of my summer- water everywhere and then some! why was it still going on when we were leaving at 6am?! was so tired on our way home that me and ma girl had to park at a gas stationt o have a snooze which ended up taking us 2 hours! then i realised i had to run to mas camp to get ma costume!
Saturday- played mas with Toronto Revellers- Debbie Minott's section called Ipadaboologbon aka "The return of the wisdom keepers"
Saturday night- went to Carnival-in-yuh-backyard where some heiffer thiefed ma phone!!!
Sunday- slept, slept, slept. tried to get tickets to Firefete but it was sold out :( ... went to get a new phone instead.

then went to hamilton's carnival yesterday.


THe best caribana ever!

now, whats good for the rest of the summer?

Dont believe a word she sings

Dont let she lie to you
It aint always so good
but i know i couldnt have known better
because i simply, did not know better

Just as she wasnt yours
dont mean your very best friend would be the one
she cant save you, and neither can you, her
And i know i couldnt have known better
same way you cant possibly know better

Divine thinks its time
and you'd think its yours to hold
listening to her serenade you to dream
but her words aint yours
and her stories aint for you
Like Erykah's wasnt mine
and a microphone isnt like he was
yet i claimed he was it
the "love of my life"
shortsighted at 22, how much farther can you really see ?
got pumped, grooved and jammed to "our" song
held faith like it was visible
drank love so hard till i could see it
and he, believed...
but faith dont make real, real does.

So though her voice is groovy and i cant help but jam to the song
I wonder who else is getting fooled at 22

she aint talking about you
it aint always so easy
I am sorry but songs just simply, dont make love.

And i can tell you for sure
that at 25, still the same life just 3 years down that road,
I am still looking for that "love of my life".
And still trying to get him to see
that bestfriends dont always make the best love
and that there is no worse way to keep enslaved
than to surrender all, to let history dictate your current days.

Tarnia

Today, I got a call from the insurance company, and zapped up some hot water a moment after that
Amazing how quickly it is to get that hot once you're reminded.

got myself some water boiled ready to brew ma beefy beans

The case will be closed. Closed today. I was at fault.
"Because it was a one-vehicle accident".
I didnt bother reminding her that it wasnt my fault
that I was not even driving
that I tried to swerve to counter your action
that I, was only trying to do a favour...

And though I hadnt hated you in a while, i got a reminder of that familia aroma.
Sat my mind down ready to sip again.

Relayed back to the memories of your voice, angry though you masked it
Asking me why i was raising my mine
And of mine, unable to hold my cool
I'd forgotten what its like to be cool

because in the 20some days that I was knee-back-arm-fucking mind-hurt in pain,
i reinterated what it means to be "cool"
And realised that cool is irrelevant in this mofn situation.

You cant tell me about cool
when I spent months out of work
unable to tell the date and time
when my mind took silly little vacations
without prior notifications at all...
bills pilled up like sinners on judgement day
yeah, i lost my cool...
but that ain no big deal, honey...
it was NOT the biggest thing I lost.

When your mother called me to discuss payment arrangements
And to tell ME how to deal with the situation
~oh,.... there goes another sip...~
If only she'd been there, to tell you how NOT to grab a driver's wheel
UNLESS YOU"RE THE MOTHERFN DRIVER!!!

And so I hadnt heard from you since then... neither have I called you.
And I wont ever do, because if your conscience isnt good enough to force you to act
Then I want nothing from you...


~breathe! Breathe!! BREATHE!!!~

and there, another sip

of ma beefy-brewed drink.
because I'd like to pretend that I'd moved on...
But i hate loosing a friend... and my favourite car... and ma mind... and a pain-free body at 24, and my rehab-lawyer-assessment-free days, all in one night.

Its just something I wasnt expecting...
sorry.
Oh, and happy belated birthday.

Hope exists.

It been said tht your smile opens up to another world.
Like a window, but more than that...
complere oblongated space that leads to inevitable grace
a path, dare I say
A pathway to the beyond thats better than death
Unknown, though ever somehow ever so assuring.

I'd listen to your words when words forget me
And remember where I am, who I be
Who we is.
Us.

Not too many in this pea, baby
Not too many in these parts...

Not too many who speak to me even in their smiles
In the little breaks that barely allows a sigh, you glow
And I see you're not feeling this
Not here
Within yourself costless you got your getaway
And I'd remember your words in times when I've forgotten me...

Your smile.
A gateway to this next world I have no way but to reach
I have no path but to want
To be there with you
Wherever that is that you glow from
That space that you shine through
To wish it here
Your smile.
Gives me hope
That hope itself, is attainable.

Fat free

Its been a while... and lawd gawd i feel like purging!!!
Like i been full for too long, yknow?
And i wonder if thats why when i look in'a de mirror these days i feel like my midsections growing ever so laterally!
like wtf!~
this ain even fat'f the mind! this shit extended through to ma flippin sides!
i got love handles from not handling my mind like i used to.
Like i know to.
Like i simply, should.

I use to come here, write up, spit it, digest it all till it was disolved...
clearer.
and whatever didnt get clear enough was left there, for me to remember...
to chew up the next day.
Now i feel like a mothafuckin cow...
got three damn stomachs
1.side,
2.middle,
3. anf another fuckin side like one wasnt enough!

I need to redirect myself.
back to those days
when words didnt need to stay
they didnt have time or chance
or place
in me.

they simply were made
and immediately translated to words
and spit right out.

and i was fat free...

just like this.

fat-

fuckin
free.

whew~

Its been ages

I havent posted in so long. Partly because i forgot my password and had no way of retrieving it. And also because I didnt feel like posting. lol.

I'm now back.

yayyy!

Natasja Saad... gone but not forgotten. 1974-2007

Lyrics:
Easy now no need fi(as in for) go down, easy now no need fi go down, rock that run that, this where we from (repeat 2x) Whoop Whoop When you run come around, Cu(z) I kno ur the talk of the town yea (repeat 4x) Easy now no need fi go down Just walk it gently and no break nah bone, Cool end-it-ly, you have a style of your own, Me never kno you saw ya master the saxsaphone cause u sound like the talk of the town yea, imma lock u when u run come around yea, make me wobble, make me whole body bubble, an me no say ya trouble, when ya ready for the double, and n u hit that, no ti-na the mickle (as in nothing in the middle) play with it a lickle(as in little), why you so na tickle im tellin' you to, hit that no ti-na the mickle (as in nothing in the middle) stay with it a lickle(as in little), why you so na tickle im feelin' them (whoop whoop) easy now no need fi go down, easy now no need fi go down, walk it gently and no break nah bone Whoop Whoop When you run come around, Cu(z) I kno ur the talk of the town yea (repeat 4x) Best shown overall, shiny and tall, One touch make a gal climb whoever you are, Brass hat, hatter(as in hotter) than fireball Whoop Whoop! You not small you not lickle(as in little) at all Dat touch, just dip on me mind yea The good feelin dip on rewind yea make me wobble, make me whole body bubble, an me no say ya trouble, when ya ready for the double, and n u hit that, no ti-na the mickle (as in nothing in the middle) play with it a lickle(as in little), why you so na tickle im tellin' you to, hit that no ti-na the mickle (as in nothing in the middle) stay with it a lickle(as in little), why you so na tickle im feelin' them Walk it gently and no break nah bone easy now no need fi go down, easy now no need fi go down, rock that run that, this where we from (repeat 2x) Whoop Whoop When you run come around, Cu(z) I kno ur the talk of the town yea (repeat 8x) http://youtube.com/watch?v=WVGS46oR4Ew


Story:
† RIP Natasja, Danish Reggae Queen †Born in Copenhagen 1974, Natasja grew up listening to her mother's collection of Dennis Brown and Bob Marley Records. This would mark the early steps in a life filled with music. - A life that has become as busy as ever during the past year. Natasja's debut on stage was at the mere age of 13 when she started singing /"dee-jaying" in Copenhagen with local Jamaican soundsystem Sky Juice and was noticed at a concert opening for Macka B and Arriwa Posse, where Mad Professor himself was blown away by her talent. She was ahead of her time alongside with Miss Mukupa and McEmzee introducing raggamuffin to the Danish hip hop community in the early nineties with the group called No Name Requested. During that period the girls did a lot of shows and travelled with artists such as: Queen Latifa, Das EFX, Tribe Called Quest and Massive Attack opened shows for people like Ninja Man, Charlie Chaplin and Lexxus, including a jam session in the studio with UB40. Natasja's talent has impressed many people from the reggae scene, which has led to studio recordings, live performances and press coverage in Jamaica. Unfortunately Natasja suffered serious injuries due to a crash with a racehorse in 1998, during her education to become a professional jockey. The accident slowed her musical career down for a while, but luckily you can't keep a good woman down and soon after she would be pursuing her recording career again... During Summer 2004 she released the 12" 'Cover Me', and later the 7" 'Summercute' followed one year later by her long anticipated debut album 'Release'. Furthermore she has featured on the hit-single 'Cigar' from Denmark's chartbusting dancehall trio Bikstok Røgsystem, and has also recorded with German reggae institution Germaicans on the Rodeo riddim. Additionally she featured on the new album of Africa Unite. Natasja recently stepped up to the super league of reggae and recorded with legends Sly & Robbie in their studio in Jamaica. Furthermore she had legendary studio engineer Bulby do the mixing duties on the forthcoming revised international version of 'Release'. June 24th 2007 she was suddenly taken from us in a horrible car crash in Jamaica.† Rest in Peace, Natasja †Love be with her family and friends, and of course to all her fans, and thanks to those of them who morned early morning June 25th on Islannds Brygge, CPH in Denmark.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=QBo3hMHDGaA

Today, i turn 25.

Happy birthday, to me.


Celebrating a year that has gone. Marred by such events i dare not speak of... that do not deserve space in my memories,...
I
celebrate the end of my 24th year.

And thank God that i have lived long enough to realise
that whatever it is that comes, must move right along.
Everything that comes... must pass.

Thank you lord, for the woman i have become.
And thanks to the world for molding me into this beign.